tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67905138732079974612024-03-13T02:40:17.184-05:00Poetry and MathYou will find only honesty hereMatthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-14160488435438118842012-09-10T13:36:00.000-05:002012-09-10T13:36:14.227-05:00The Chicago Blues
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is going to be a short one. I’ll start (as it seems I always do) by
apologizing for not writing in so long. I let m life become too busy too often.
Now on with the show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was in Chicago a couple of months ago, and some events
transpired that gave me a case of the heavy heart. I had a few hours to myself
one day, and I ended up taking a walk through the northern part of the city. I
was letting my thoughts ramble around my head, and didn’t even notice myself
smile and nod to a man who was in his front yard. This type of thing is not out
of the ordinary in Arkansas where I come from. I wasn’t trying to intrude on
his privacy or make him uncomfortable, I just enjoy acknowledging other people.
What I received from him was an indescribably cold stare. He looked threatened
and defensive as if I was challenging him to a fight. It caught me completely
off guard. I lowered my eyes and kept walking. I decided to try the same thing
again a few minutes later, and I got a response similar to the first. I didn’t
understand at all. I wasn’t dressed offensively; I had no motives; I couldn’t
see any reason for them to have treated me as they did. As I walked more, I
made it a point to make eye contact with other walkers. I never once got a
smile or a nod back. Women looked at me like I was a rapist, men gave me hard
stares and moved quickly by. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I thought about it all later, my heart hurt. Not because
people had been cold with me. I have something of a titanium spirit at this
point in my life. I’m used to opposition, and it no longer bothers me as it
once did. Instead, I hurt for those people. Either something had happened to
them that made them so unreceptive to human contact, or they had been raised to
not trust other people. I understand that Chicago is a much different place
than Little Rock. There are far more predators on the streets, and it is a more
dangerous place. Still, I hurt for those people who didn’t seem able to receive
a loving smile or a genuine greeting. It seems unnatural to me that human
connection can come across as a threat. I hurt for people who cannot see it as
genuine. I hurt for our world where we are brought up to shun actions of true
kindness and look for the ulterior motives that are sure to be found.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve had a phrase in my mind the last few months. “Let no
man or woman live unseen.” It is only seven simple words, but to me it means
everything. If I had a mantra, this would be it. I think it is our duty as
humans to love one another. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest
commandment. And the second is like it: ‘<i>Love
your neighbor as yourself</i>.’” (Matthew 22:37-39) Whether you believe in God
or not, this advice is solid. To love those around you just as much as you love
yourself is a powerful notion. Whether they receive that love or not is not the
issue. We must continue to give it. We live in a terribly broken world in desperate
need of people who are willing to give instead of take. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Maybe this all sounds too trite to you. Love people? Of
course we’re supposed to do that. We’ve been taught that since kindergarten. I
agree, but I don’t think very many people actually do it. How many individuals
do we pass by every day and not see? Try something. Try to keep your eyes open
and count how many people you see every day. It soon becomes an overwhelming
task, but do it anyway. Then count how many of these people you have interaction
with. It is incredibly convicting to look at the results. We see so many people
every day, and so often we let them slip past us unseen. Not all of us have
lived the unseen life, so we can’t fully understand how much it hurts to be
passed over. I have lived that life though, and it cuts so deep to honestly
think that everyone who passes over you places more value on their daily tasks
than on your human life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is a problem; a big problem. Our world is a decaying
place. It is full of people trying to advance themselves. It is daunting to
imagine changing the way that things are. To be honest, you can’t. You cannot
change the entire world. There are seven billion people on the planet. Based on
the average life span, you would have approximately a quarter of a second to
speak to each person on earth. And that is assuming you start from the second
you are born and never sleep for over 72 years.
It is impossible, but that isn’t the point. You cannot change the whole
world, but you can change your world. You can affect the slice of earth that
you dwell in every day. How? See people. Truly see them. Talk to the guy that
you order your lunch from, the girl crying at her locker in the hallway, the
man who looks overwhelmed at your job. What is the point of living a selfish
life? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Let no man or woman live unseen.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Follow me on Twitter<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec"> here</a></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-57791482286580947352012-07-29T09:38:00.002-05:002012-07-29T09:38:50.321-05:00Trapped<br />
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I'm going to be very honest. I'm going through a lot of tough stuff right now. Life isn't what I thought it would be when I was 20 years old. It is supposed to be fun and carefree, but it's not. It's been almost two months since I've posted here. I just haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like doing anything. There are so many serious, adult things going on that I never foresaw. I guess this is what growing up does to you. (I promise you this isn't got to be as emo as it sounds. At least hopefully.)</div>
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Life becomes a very complicated thing as we grow up. The last few months have been hard. I've seen people fail that I really looked up to. I've failed people that I really care about. I've gone back to habits that I thought I'd never go back to. I've been stuck in a stagnant state. There is nothing as disheartening as not growing. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. I want to grow closer to God, discover His plan, become the man that I need to be; but I've been so stuck in a rut. I get in these cycles too often, and it kills me. I have to watch the people that I love and care about move on with their lives, and everything in me wants to be right beside them. For some reason, though, I sit idly by. I've been letting life pass right in front of my eyes without saying a word. I feel like I'm behind a glass wall watching everyone live their lives. </div>
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Needless to say I've been on a journey since I last posted. I'm really not as depressed as I sound. I don't sit at home in a dark room and drink whiskey by myself or anything like that. Life has just been throwing me some serious curve balls. Things have started changing though, and I've finally taken steps to grow in my faith and as a person. I'm beginning to grasp the concept that change is normally not an instance, it's a process. It takes time; it takes failures; it takes incredibly hard learning experiences, but it can start to happen. What I really want to say is this: I've seen some of the lowest, darkest places in this life, and I hurt for those of you who get caught up in those places. I know how hard it is to be free of that trap; I really do, but it is worth every day of pain that I takes to find a better life for yourself. It is so much better to look back upon the days of being stuck rather that being in them. There is a God above us that is dying for us to take his hand and allow him to lead us out of the valleys of this life. </div>
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We live in an imperfect, broken world. Every day that we're alive brings us one day closer to the day that we'll die. My worry is this: I don't want to waste the time I have left here on earth by digging myself deeper and deeper into a dark hole. I hate that I've done that, and I hate where it's left me. I've hurt so many people; ruined friendships. I've hurt myself and gotten so far off-course. I'm so completely in love with a girl that I can't be with because of what I've done. It hurts to mess up our lives; I understand. Sitting around and letting ourselves grow more and more desolate in our pitiful traps is not the answer though. </div>
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Please know that I'm not trying to judge anyone for what you've done or where you are. And I know that where we are in life is not always completely our fault. I've been there. I am there now as a matter of fact. All I want you to know is that you are so deeply worth fighting for. Never let anyone tell you that you aren't. You deserve to get up and change how things are. Don't settle for what you've become if you know that you were meant to be something more. </div>
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)</div>
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Thank you for reading, and may God bless you all.</div>
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You can find me on Twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">here</a></div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-90978488280527678782012-06-11T13:27:00.000-05:002012-06-11T13:27:12.093-05:00Change Part II<br />
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Let's be honest, how many of us have had problems with getting over an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend? I think that is an experience that a lot of us can share. If not, God bless you. You are an incredibly lucky person. It's rough though isn't it? The smallest things can remind you of them: TV shows or movies, certain restaurants, even smells or tastes. It is evidence of just how close two people can be intertwined; how deeply we can affect another human. </div>
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Sometimes I look at myself as being two separate people. It is childish I know, but I look at the good side of myself and the bad side. Almost an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other scenario. While I know that it is more complicated than that, it doesn't change the fact that it helps me to frame my thoughts. There is a part of me that wants to grow; to change; to fight new battles and see old ones conquered. This side of me is the good side. It longs for new places and people; longs to see God's plan come to fruition in my life. There is also the side of me that holds me back. The side that reminds me of my failures; that is comfortable in the past making the same mistakes. This is the bad side of me. It sees no value in change.</div>
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To jump back to the beginning for a moment, I sometimes wonder how deeply the halves of myself affect each other. It is so hard for me to let things in the past go. It is almost like breaking up with someone in a way. In order for me, or for anyone, to separate with the past (the bad side of us) we must lose a part of ourselves. It's hard. It's painful. Often it leads to losing people and things that are dear to us. I know and understand this well. So many times I've made efforts to change things about myself only to run back to them when I'm lonely or upset. It's human nature to find things that are comfortable and that we feel safe around. But there are times in life when you reach a place and you know that things have to change; when you understand that you are in a unhealthy pattern and you want to get out of it. These are the moments that feel like we are breaking up with ourselves. In a lot of ways, it is worse than breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It changes everything about your life. You have to change the people that you hang out with, places you go, maybe even jobs. Or maybe it's not that severe for you, but you're ready to change habits or tendencies that you know are not healthy. I know how you feel. Anything and everything reminds you of your old ways. It is impossible to forget the past, but even separating from the past is incredibly difficult.</div>
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These moments define our lives. All too often we change momentarily, only to fall back later. I've done it time and time again; most of us have. This example has helped me to think more clearly about these moments. Imagine that you have a friend who is in an unhealthy dating relationship. She is dating a guy that is clearly no good for her. He is pushing to her to do things that are hurting her. She's pulling away from you and her other friends, even her family. The patterns that she is forming with him are hurting her life. Nothing hurts worse than seeing situations like these. You do everything that you can to reach out to your friend and let her know that she deserves better and that she could be happier and healthier without this relationship. Why is it so hard to see similar patterns within ourselves? It is a baffling question, but one that could prevent so much pain in our lives. What if we all pretended that we had two halves, a good side that wants to change and a bad side that does not (please...just humor my childish examples.) If we lay out all of the decisions that we make, and honestly examine the evidence that our lives create, I think we would be startled to see that the halves of ourselves are in a bitter gridlock. The trade win for loss, but in the end both cannot have a significant foothold in our lives.</div>
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Just like it's not easy to part with a significant other, it is equally as hard to part with habits and patterns in our lives, but it's necessary in order to grow. I don't want to seem like I think that I have it all together. I surely do not. There are things in my life that need to change. I just want to share how I'm thinking about change, and how I'm preparing my own life in this state. Know that you are not alone in this life journey. Never be afraid to let the past die. It doesn't deserve to have a hold on your life that slows you down from change. I know that we don't all believe the same here, and, as always, I respect that, but just know that I believe there is a God who sees us as we are, and loves to help us change. Don't be afraid. </div>
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Thanks for reading today. Connect with me on Twitter: @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a> </div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-58130225466780280502012-05-31T00:01:00.005-05:002012-05-31T08:47:03.347-05:00Tonight. Love.<br />
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Tonight. Tonight I'm thinking about love. Tonight I watched a movie in which, as in all movies it seems, two people fell hopelessly in love in some grossly misconstrued recreation of reality that could never happen in this (the real) world. Love is something that I never write about, because I didn't believe in it for a long time (And because I'm not Cory Copland...Sorry I love you dude); at least I didn't believe that it was for everyone. Sure, people find other people that make them happy and start families with them. My parents just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. There are happily married couples all over the world. I've just been in too many unhealthy, failing, and plain bad relationships to not see that there are negative aspects to love. I couldn't list the number of people I've wronged and hurt through relationships. The relate part of the word is what has caused me to stumble. I'm great in a relationship until I get to the moments where things get deep and serious. Insecurities come to the table. Girls find out that I'm an emotional, thoughtful, sensitive guy with who's prone to crying in movies, not talking for days, and general moodiness (I just shattered any chance of meeting my future wife here.) Things end up not working out, and yet I fall for the same type of girl over and over.</div>
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Now that I've ranted a bit, I'm going to shift gears. I'm still shooting from the hip, and this will be a very raw post, but I'm going to be a bit more organized. I've wondered so many times why the girls that I fall for, do not fall for the kind of guy that I am. I think I'm relatively good looking, I play guitar in a band, I ride motorcycles, I buy girls nice things, I dress cool, but nothing seems to help (I promise I'm not being conceited, there is a point to this.) A thought sticks out. I have these lists of good and bad points, but in my own experiences, they have not really led to me being broken up with. In fact, I have never been broken up with. I've always ended relationships, or they've ended mutually. I wonder then if girls are my problem or if I am my problem. I say that I'm emotional, sensitive, quiet, and often incredibly hard to read and understand, but I am the one who always bails out of relationships. I say that girls don't fall for me, but maybe I don't let them. This is getting pretty girly pretty fast, and I apologize. I do need to get this all out of my system though, so please bear with me.</div>
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Here is my thought: what if the things that we are most insecure about in our own lives are the things that prohibit us from having healthy relationships? I know that there are a few of you perfect couples out there who talk about each other's problems at length while you braid each other's hair and eat grapes (what the heck? I shouldn't write this late at night...) but for the rest of us HUMANS, it's not always that simple. I think one of the main reasons that I don't do well in relationships is that I'm scared of myself. I'm scared to make the same mistakes that I've made in the past; scared of hurting people. But I'm also scared of my own flaws. I'm scared that my emotional tendencies will ruin more relationships; worried that my thoughtfulness could again be seen as condescension; scared to return to unhealthy patterns. Am I insecure? Definitely. Have I ever admitted that? No. Well actually yes, now I have to all of you. I always said this was an honest place, and I will continue to make it so. Because this is hard for me to write about.</div>
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So where does that leave those of us who are too scared of ourselves to fully open up to a relationship? I'm not sure to be honest with you. We've all heard that we need to "get to know ourselves" before we date. I believe this with all of my heart, but I think it is easy to know yourself and hard to find the next step. I think and write everyday. I know myself so well that it hurts; too well probably. I'm painfully aware of my every good and bad point, so there must be a step beyond simply knowing yourself. Perhaps it is defining yourself. What I mean might be better explained with a story:</div>
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Say you've created a product; a vacuum cleaner (purely arbitrary.) You know this product through and through. You were present at every stage of its development: the initial designing, prototypes, all the way to its completion. You know its every success and failure along the way. The thing is, now you have to market it. You have to take the hundreds of tedious bits of information that you have on this and transform it into something that people can understand. Instead of telling people about the speed that the belt turns or the capacity of the tank in cubic millimeters or how many man hours goes into making ten units, or how many prototypes you went through before arriving at this final product, you would want to tell people something more helpful like, "Hey this machine will clean your carpet. It's stylish and relatively cheap." You don't have to be worried that it will break or fall apart like it did in the developmental stage because those issues have been fixed. </div>
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I think the same could be said for our lives. ( Just to clarify, I don't think we should turn ourselves into vacuum cleaners.) Instead we could stop overemphasizing the small flaws that we have. We could be okay with our ineptitudes and not let them throw a wrench into our relationships. You know what ladies? I am emotional, but I'm also a guy who is eligible to date. I love baseball, I love big cities, I love boots. The same can be said for girls. Maybe you've been really used by a guy or you have issues with your father or you think you're too emotional or whatever, but you also love volunteering at a pet shelter and you love to paint and deep down you still love Avril Lavigne. Why can't those things be just important to us as the failures? I don't want anyone to be conceited, but own your strong points. Ladies, be excited to tell that cute guy that you love to paint. Guys, be excited to tell your lovely lady that you love baseball instead of being scared of letting your emotional side shine through and having to end another relationship. </div>
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(Just to come off of my rant for a bit and clarify, I don't think you should do anything you feel is wrong. If you have issues that you need to work through, by all means work through them. That is part of the getting to know yourself process I think. Don't skip to the definition stage if your aren't ready. Don't put yourself back in a situation where you could get hurt again. that is counter-productive and will only hold you back. Now back to your regular programming.) </div>
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We should not be so scared of getting to know a new person at a deep level that we run from someone who might be good for us. We should not nit pick other people's lives and find small things to justify ending or bailing out of a relationship. Don't date someone who isn't right for you, but don't be so quick to assume that someone isn't right for you. And don't be scared of getting to know someone new. </div>
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Why do we have to be so incredibly attentive to the things in the past that ended relationships, when we could instead be excited about future ones? There is always room to grow. I'm still not sure how I feel about love. Some people say you only love once, some say you love many but fall in love with one. Some of us have no idea (that would be me.) But regardless we were all created with the ability to love and be loved. God put inside of us the potential to care for others deeply, and to share a marriage with a person that he created. Have my emotional tendencies ended relationships? Yes. Will they end every relationship I'm ever in? Absolutely not. Some girls will not like it, but one day I will find a girl who does. I'm not broken, and none of you are either. We all have flaws, but that should not and does not disqualify us from being happy. God loves each of us with our flaws and failures, and we should learn to love each other with our flaws. Chances are, we will never find a perfect, suitable significant other, so don't look for one. Look for someone who sees every part of you and loves it. And in turn, see every part of yourself and love it. (There's the Oprah Winfrey ending we were all waiting for.)</div>
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Thank you for reading my rambles. You can follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-66267008224725449202012-05-28T20:44:00.004-05:002012-05-28T20:44:35.680-05:00There's A Wall There....Trust Me (Part II)I will say it again on this post, if anyone catches the classic animated film reference in the title, mad props. It was time again this week to learn a lesson in trust. I ride motorcycles with my dad a lot, and as cliche as it may sound, there are a lot of lessons to be learned on the road.<br />
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Over the Memorial Day weekend, my dad and I got the chance to go for a ride one evening. As we rode out of Benton, a string of thoughts started forming in my head. I immediately knew it was forming into a post, so I payed careful attention to what was happening (and the road of course.) We were riding on a road that had a speed limit of 40 miles per hour, and I really wasn't paying attention to my own speed as I was following my dad. I did happen to glance down at one point though, and I noticed that we were going 10 over the speed limit. It is uncharacteristic of my dad to speed, and shortly thereafter we did return to the speed limit. In that moment when I realized we were speeding, an interesting thought came into my head. I wasn't in the least bit worried that we were going to fast. I trust my dad more than anyone in the entire world, and I knew that he was being careful and "monitoring the situation" as he puts it. I knew that we wouldn't get pulled over, and if we did he would take responsibility. I was completely comfortable riding within the safety net of my father.<br />
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As we continued to ride, I noticed other nuances about our riding that I never took the time to think about previously. We always ride in staggered formation. He is always on the right and I always take the left; every time. I find myself following his path around bits of sticks or gravel in the road without even having to notice them myself. I mirror his movements, and thereby avoid danger. I don't always have to pay as meticulous attention to where I'm going as I would if I were alone because I don't have any fear of getting lost with my dad. Every other time that I've ridden bikes with someone, I've been in the lead. I don't trust anyone but my father to lead me. I don't feel comfortable following anyone else.<br />
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Towards the end of the ride, something landmark happened. We were a few miles from home when my dad made an unexpected stop. He pulled into a parking lot, and I was 75 percent sure that I knew what was happening. Let me frame the story a bit. My dad has an incredibly cool Harley Davidson, and I ride a slightly less cool Kawasaki (Okay, it's significantly less cool.) It's always been that way, and there are no hard feelings; he just looks way cooler everywhere we go. I had never riden any of his Harleys before then. Not because he doesn't trust me, it's just a whole different kind of riding when the bike weighs over 700 pounds as compared to the 400 pounds mine weighed. Bearing that in mind, we pulled into a parking lot, and in the way only my dad can, he simply said, "wanna switch?" I was floored. On the inside, I was so nervous about the potential to wreck his prize bike that I nearly lost control of my bowels, but I pseudo-suavely got on and pretended to be nothing short of confident. The next ten minutes of my life were some of the greatest I can remember (okay that might be a bit severe) but in all honestly, it was incredible to finally ride a real man's bike. As I stepped off the bike in our garage, I couldn't stop thinking about losing my Harley virginity (okay I'm sorry that was raucous...) But I couldn't stop smiling. Most importantly, I was completely in awe that my dad entrusted me with his motorcycle.<br />
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Though the experience alone was superb, I couldn't overlook the deeper implications that had been bouncing around my head as we rode. I wonder how my faith journey would be different if I looked at God like I like at my dad when we ride? How badly does God want me to accept his safety net just as fully as I accept my earthly father's? I put up no walls when I'm around my dad, and I know that I can be the same with a God who has no sense of condemnation; only a love that knows absolutely no boundaries. He is ready to trust me with his plans, and his gifts; his spiritual Harley Davidson if you will. My dad knows that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I haven't always respected him like I should, and yet he overlooks those things and chooses to be my mentor and my friend. Our Heavenly father is no different. He is begging us to trust him and follow in his footsteps; his tire treads. He wants to be the only one that we trust enough to follow.<br />
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God loves us more than we can understand; more than we can accept at times. I've run from it; we've all run from it. That doesn't change the fact that it steadily follows us into the darkest places we can find, all the while retaining as much candor and intensity as it ever has or will. While we choose to follow people and things that have underlying agendas and will take abrupt turns without warning, God shows us his path from the beginning. It is straight and flawless. We can follow him around the obstacles that the world throws in our path. Often he doesn't reveal the intricacies of his entire plan at once, but it doesn't change the fact that his path is set in stone. Just like my dad may not tell me from the beginning where exactly we're going to ride, I never have to worry that it will be on unsafe roads or in places that we should not be. How he leads does not change, and God is the same way. We can cease our worries about getting lost. And most importantly, we can appreciate the fact that, just like our motorcycle trips, every step and every mile takes us closer to home.<br />
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"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)<br />
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I really appreciate you all taking the time out of your day to read. God bless each of you. You can follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://www.twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-41036877076534280932012-05-16T10:16:00.000-05:002012-05-16T10:16:14.317-05:00The Danny Roberts TheoryI've had something on my mind for a while that I haven't been able to fully think through until a couple of days ago. My friend Danny and I recently had a conversation about originality. I made the point that anything that the world deems original is really just derivative of previous thoughts and ideas. In the moment, I was probably getting a bit pretentious with my thoughts, but we were really having a meaningful conversation, so the idea stuck with me. I spent a lot of time pondering the implications of what I had said. Do I really think that there is no way to be truly original anymore? Have all of the good thoughts and ideas been used already? Initially this was my conclusion, but as I gave it more thought I came up with a new idea: originality necessarily must be derivative to be significant. Let me explain with some examples.<br />
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Think with me for a second. I think most of us remember when the first iPhone came out in 2007. It was revolutionary; mind-blowing; the first of its kind. If asked, anyone would say it was completely original. It began the smart phone arms race that has led to the most technologically-advanced cell phones of all time. But think about something else with me. The iPhone changed so many things, but it was still a cell phone. It still operated under the premise of text messages, phone calls, and emails. There were many aspects of the phone that had been used in many cell phones predating it. This is where my point comes in. In order for the iPhone to be as significant as it was, it had to establish reference points so that consumers could grasp what it entailed. It had to have a tangential point of contact with ideas that people already understood, or else it would have been useless.<br />
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Imagine someone inventing something that has no reference points. You see a commercial on television for a new product, but it is an unidentifiable shape, the commercial is in a language that no one on earth can understand, and at no point does it visually describe what the product is or does. This manufacturer has created something completely original, but at the same time completely isolated it and eradicated any chance of making money. There were no reference points in language, comprehension, comparison to other products, or even how to purchase the product. In essence, there is no way of spreading this "originality."<br />
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This concept makes me think of Delaunay Triangulation. You might be wondering what that is, but you actually know (I promise.) We've all seen a movie where brilliant CIA agents track a cell phone call to catch a criminal. They use this triangulation method to do so. Basically cell phones connect to the closest cell masts that they can find to make calls. To triangulate a call, these agents just reference the signal that they are picking up to the closest cell phone masts determine a location. (It's actually a bit more complicated, but I don't think any of us are going to be doing this anytime soon.) To get back to the point, this method takes a signal that is in an unknown place, and makes sense of it by referencing it to know points. I think truly original ideas should work like this. They stand alone upon first examination, but they can be compared and referenced to known ideas in order for them to make sense.<br />
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This brings me to what I really wanted to say. French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said, "No finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point." If all physical ideas must be predicated upon previously known building blocks, it makes sense that in order for us to live original lives, we too must have a reference point. To be significant, we must be compared to significance. I think Sartre hit upon a brilliant thought. How can anyone view our lives as great if someone before us hadn't done great things? The notion of great had to come from somewhere. You could compare an extreme act of courage to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.; an act of humanitarianism to Nelson Mandela; or any other of the thousands of examples that history provides. These are all valid reference points, but where is their reference point? Where is the origin of their originality, if you will? Sartre spoke of an infinite reference point. The interesting thing is that he was not referring to God. Sartre was one of the founding fathers of existentialism and believed that every human was responsible for themselves and their actions; "condemned to be free" as he put it. He did not believe in a creator or ascribe to religion. His idea then seems to have fallen short. He didn't seem to have an actual infinite reference point.<br />
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To consider any one person, idea, or concept as an infinite reference point is falling short as well I think. Every one of these has come from somewhere. Every idea is predicated upon preconceived building blocks, every person influenced by those who came before, and every concept conceived my those individuals who have been influenced. That leaves the question, what is the infinite reference point? You don't have to agree with me, but I know what my infinite reference point is. It is faith in a God and a love that predates all origin; that IS origin. There is no other example of a thing or person that has no predecessor. Again, you don't have to agree. I welcome disagreement wholeheartedly. I know that I have tried so many things in life to find fulfillment, to reference my life against, and they've all fallen short except faith. It is available for all who are willing to receive. <br />
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Thanks so much for reading today. God bless you all. Follow my good friend Danny on Twitter if you want to find a truly intelligent, gifted individual @<a href="http://twitter.com/xdannyrobertsx">xdannyrobertsx</a>. And, as always, I'm at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-73439046448190412402012-05-12T01:53:00.001-05:002012-05-12T01:53:57.534-05:00I Want YouI had an interesting thought last weekend as I was walking around the beautiful campus at Hanover College in Indiana. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and truly wanted that person? Not in a perverted or sexual way, but in a way such that you desire every part of them. You want to have their attention; their thought space; their love; their laughter. Every fiber of you wants every fiber of them. Maybe that's creepy or obsessive, but I think when you truly love someone, it is an accurate description of what you are feeling. Let me interject here and make it clear that I am not a relationship expert. In fact I am a relationship saboteur. I have dated far too many girls, made a lot of mistakes, and ruined some great friendships, but I have been in love once. I don't want to delve into what I believe love is; suffice it to say that she was a friend who's bond to myself could only have been formed through years of shared experiences. But I digress, that was how I felt about her.<br />
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For whatever reason, that idea was bouncing around in my head as I walked. I had a lot on my mind, and I was in an incredibly quiet, contemplative mood. Out of nowhere I had a heavy thought: what if God wants us with an equal desire as I just described. What if he truly, deeply yearns for every part of us. Often in relationships desire can be masked by surface-level emotions. Sometimes I can want someone so bad that it induces anger or sadness or frustration. Those emotions are not a summation of how I feel about this person, rather they are byproducts of my desire and the obstacles that stand between us. That was unclear, so let me try again with a story. Say you really like a girl name Jane. She is everything you want, but she is sending you mixed messages. You want so badly to be the only guy that she's thinking about, and sometimes it upsets you. Other times it makes you mad because she tampers with your emotions. But, underlying all of these emotions is desire; the desire for her to be yours, and it drives you through all of these emotions.<br />
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I think the same can be said of God. He is a jealous creator. He wants us so desperately that he can resort to extreme means to garner our attention. I wondered, as I walked, if we mistreat God in the same way that we mistreat each other in relationships; sending mixed signals. Being flippant with our emotions. How frustrating must that be for God? It drives me crazy when people are unable to make clear decisions. I know that not everyone is driven by the desire to be cut and dry with their whole lives, but decisiveness is needed in some cases, and I think God is screaming loud that he wants our attention. Wants us to make up our minds and stop second guess our every decision.<br />
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As I continued to let this thought simmer in my mind, it developed a bit further. In my own experiences, I've found that unrealistic expectations are often to blame for failed relationships; guys or girls that expect far too much from their significant other. When, however, a relationship advances to the point where you truly want someone, these expectations begin to fade. You don't so much care if they're perfect or if they've made mistakes. The negative becomes less important and is masked by your infatuation with the positive. Again I think the principle parallels with how God sees us. He doesn't focus on the reasons that we've run from him or the times that we've stumbled. His eyes are set on our potential to love and be loved by him.<br />
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I've yet to find a lasting, true love in human relationship in this life. Perhaps I will or perhaps I won't, but I've placed that secondary to finding a true love in a God who is infatuated with the future; not the past. People will always fail; always change, but there is a God and a love that are the only true constants we have in life. And they are free. God wants each and every one of us. He gave up his son so that ALL people would have the opportunity to have true life. ALL people.<br />
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"...God our Saviour, who wants all men to be saved..." (1 Timothy 2:3-4)<br />
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Thanks for reading. If you love Twitter, chat me up @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a><br />
<br />Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-2169709373485112212012-04-30T12:30:00.002-05:002012-04-30T12:30:56.037-05:00HindsightWhy is it that we so often look back fondly on events that, while happening, were incredibly painful? I recently went on a backpacking trip with my very good friend Christopher. We mistakenly trekked a two-day hike in about seven hours, camped in a completely sketchy campground, all while toting 45 pound backpacks. We finished our trip tired, sore, mildly dehydrated, and completely worn out. During the many strenuous miles, we complained hard and thoroughly about how tired we were; how hungry we were; how much we wanted to find the lake and make camp; how much we missed our moms (sadly that is not a joke); how scared we were of coyotes; etc. Yet, even with so much pain inflicted, we're already fondly telling and retelling stories from our trip. We're planning our next trips as well, and still completely enthralled with backpacking. How did our mindset change from incredible discomfort to blissful reminiscing?<br />
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I think some of the joy comes from learning. Hindsight always brings such a sense of clarity that the moment itself never can. Looking back at our trip, there were a lot of learning moments. We discovered that waiting until dusk to make camp is not a good idea at all, packing way too many things that we really didn't need just served to weigh our bags down (there's a whole blog hiding in that point.) And perhaps most importantly, sleeping on a hill in a child-sized tent is something that I will absolutely never do again. (Actually I'm not sure why that happened at all...) Christopher and I came to grips with the fact that we are definitely NOT Bear Grylls, as much as we so dearly want to be. These lessons may not have been fun in the moment. In fact they were absolutely not fun. We woke up so incredibly sore and tired on our first morning that I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever walk correctly again, but now I can appreciate the small things that we learned. They will make us smarter and stronger backpackers on our future trips. Both of us are completely glad we went, and I wouldn't trade that trip for anything.</div>
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Another beautiful aspect of hindsight is the gift of separation; the ability to disassemble the experience and compartmentalize events into categories. I can look back at the fun times we had as a whole without having the physical burdens of hiking to accompany those joys. We can talk about finding and subsequently drinking out of a waterfall (okay it was more accurately a water trickle), the incredibly beautiful overlook we spent the afternoon at, talking for hours and hours about girls and music and life. Separating the pleasant from the unpleasant in the actual moment is difficult to say the least, but from hindsight's perspective, it can achieve deep clarity. The memories that we made will last forever, and the stories that we can tell are priceless. We enjoyed two beautiful days in God's nature, and they could never be replaced. The ability to hone in on those aspects of our trip is something so special about hindsight.<br />
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Here's the pivot point: how does hindsight help us in life? I was once of the persuasion that hindsight was merely for overly-optimistic people trying to ease the pain of their mistakes. You cannot change the past, and I saw no point in dwelling on things that I was not proud of. Looking back, that was an ignorant way of thinking. History, without examination and correction, is destined to repeat itself. If a race car driver is circumnavigating a track and goes through the first turn too fast, would he foolishly take the same turn at the same speed on his second lap? Of course not. Unless he was a terrible driver. Why then would we not examine the past and look for clues as to how to better prepare ourselves for the future in our own lives? Could we look at a mistake we've made, pinpoint the place where we deviated off-course, and prevent it from happening in the future? Absolutely. There is not doubt in my mind.It is obviously easier said than done; as are most things. Something that I tell people when they ask for advice on the guitar or with writing is this: make new mistakes. It sounds like a negative piece of advice at first, but it makes sense if you think about it. In making new mistakes, we learn new ways of combating the struggles that come our way; learn to be stronger in areas that we repeatedly fail in. Notice that the advice is not make new mistakes while still making old ones. The idea is to constantly grow and learn. It gives me the mental image of laying a rail road track. You turn behind you, lay a cross tie and a portion of track, turn back around and move forward then repeat.<br />
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Life is a constantly-moving journey, and our pace must be slow when we're learning new things. Looking back on situations is necessary to see how far we've come. And just like Christopher and I looked back on our painful trip, we can also isolate the joyous moments and be glad that we experienced them. Hindsight can be a painful tool, but it it opens up a whole new world of learning if you control it well. Don't be afraid to look back and gain vital information for moving forward. It doesn't make you weak, it means that you're smart enough to use everything you can to succeed and thrive in the future.<br />
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Thank you all so much for taking a little time to read. You can follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://www.twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a>, and my friend Christopher at @<a href="http://twitter.com/robertmorley6">RobertMorley6</a>. He is hilarious, poignant, and takes incredible pictures.
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(By the way, this is where Christopher and I backpacked. It was beautiful.)<br />
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-10012191209968008352012-04-20T12:19:00.000-05:002012-04-20T12:19:14.995-05:00Focus on What's Close"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Soren Kierkegaard<br />
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I was recently eating dinner with my family at a reasonably nice restaurant. For some reason, I was pretty tired and not feeling incredibly well, so I took off my glasses and put my head on the table. Embarrassingly, it was right when the very attractive waitress walked up. Quickly I raised my head and looked into her stunning eyes (this is completely tangent to the point of today's post by the way) and ordered my meal. An interesting thought struck me as I was surveying the restaurant with my semi-blind eyes. I could hear many conversations happening, and it was evident that there was a packed restaurant environment thriving all around me, but I couldn't see it clearly at all. My eyes are bad enough that everything was a blur. All I could see was my family.<br />
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The thought that came to me as I was sitting there was this: sometimes life is exactly like that restaurant. Often I've noticed that in my life that it is difficult to focus on things in the distance. It is almost as if our minds cannot make out the shapes of the events coming. What is to come seems to captivate our minds, even when we have no inkling as to what it might be, or how the future will unfold. I wonder if this parallel between the restaurant and life can be taken a step further. What if the things that are close to us in life can be seen very clearly, even when the future is unclear? In the midst of stressful life situations, can we choose to focus on what is near to us? Maybe college seems like a daunting obstacle in your path. You don't know if you want to go, where you want to go, where the money will come from, etc. Or perhaps you've been laid off from you job, and the foreseeable future seems to be filled with financial struggles, stress, troubles of all kind. In times like these what can we focus on that is close to us?<br />
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Maybe it is the things and people that we love that we should be focusing on when life throws us a curve ball. How many marriages have ended as a result of a husband getting too concerned with work? How many times have you seen two outfielders charge towards the same fly ball only to collide because they weren't paying attention to what was close to them? You cannot drive a car by only looking far off in the distance; you have to closely monitor the stretch of road in front of you. This certainly does not mean that we should ignore those things in the distance. Not at all. Life centers around achieving goals. How much greater would those goals and accomplishments be, though, if we were more aware of our immediate surroundings? I am going to immediately regret this, but I think a quote from Star Wars could help here. Anyone remember what Qui Gon Jinn told Obi Wan Kenobi in <i>The Phantom Menace</i> when Kenobi was focused on the future? Of course you don't. He said, "Keep your feelings here and now." (I indeed do regret that decision.) They were in a fictional story, but the principle remains the same.<br />
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Is there a healthy balance of focusing on things that are close and things that are further away? Probably. Will any of us find that balance and stick with it? Doubtful. Life is a constant game of balance; a matter of trial and error, and no man or woman is immune to failure. So don't try to be. Just never let you eyes stray too far away from you immediate life for too long. You never know what might change while your eyes wander. (Sappy ending sentiment....check.)<br />
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Thanks for reading. You can follow me on Twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">here</a> if you'd like.Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-72747903553346737652012-04-19T09:01:00.000-05:002012-04-19T09:01:23.887-05:00TodayToday I am grateful to be alive. I realize that sustenance is a gift; a precious gift at that, and not all are so fortunate to have it. Not all souls are so lucky as to type words into a computer, at their job, in a safe city, in a free country. War of the flesh and mind run rampant, and yet I escape. Not all escape. Not all survive. I manage to survive, and for that I thank God above. I am thankful for food and for a home. Friends and family. A car and money. Gifts and talents. For love and life, but I subsequently hurt for those who know nothing of these things; know very little of ease in life. I respect those who fight harder than I do, and they do it out of necessity to live.<br />
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Today I am humbled by the overbearing, gravity-laden notion that my life is simple and easy. I complain about so many things, yet there are others who lead such toilsome lives; such burdensome existences. I am so often unhappy while many others rejoice in having a fraction of what I take for granted. I am wrong. I am selfishly consumed with myself. I have typed the letter "I" in reference to myself 15 times thus far. Out of 221 total words, "I" is 7 percent of my word choice. There is no excuse.<br />
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Today there are no more rose-tinted glasses. No more seeing through a lens. No more running away. No more lies or pretending. No more looking past what is so evidently in front of my eyes. The world is scarred and broken; bleeding, hurt, and in need of a doctor; a healing hand; a savoir. He is Elohim, Shekhinah, God in Heaven. And He is here.<br />
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Today I am truly grateful to be alive.<br />
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"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-91334453803479392362012-04-02T12:30:00.000-05:002012-04-19T09:56:39.296-05:00The GiverFirst, let me apologize for neglecting this for so long. It's been over a month since I posted. I've been pretty busy, but that is no excuse. That being said, this is just a little something that I've been working on lately; a piece to get us back into the rhythm of things. I hope you enjoy it.<br />
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Capture my soul<br />
Piece by piece<br />
Ribbon by ribbon<br />
Tie them to your rope<br />
Until I'm all strung out<br />
And I can see myself like never before<br />
From my back I can see you as you soar<br />
High above you're a kite<br />
While I'm barely six inches of the ground<br />
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Let me go if this is all love means to you<br />
Let me die in peace rather than live in pieces<br />
Stop carving beautiful words into glass houses<br />
With dull knives that everyone is tired of<br />
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You've got me for now<br />
Alone in this cell<br />
But I've got a plan<br />
I've got two hands<br />
You never listen<br />
Which gives me an edge<br />
I'll slip away at night<br />
You'll be so busy at the stern<br />
Surveying all that your hands have collected<br />
To notice your vessel weighs one man less<br />
It's dangerous<br />
But it's is necessary to keep living<br />
So I'll slip over the edge and hold my breath<br />
That the sea welcome me<br />
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I'll let myself go<br />
Become a stow away on a ship where I belong<br />
And come to find that the sharp edges I once glimpsed from a distance<br />
Were fingertips reaching for the ceiling<br />
Forgiveness is like air here<br />
It flows like birds and parachutes<br />
Calms me down and brings me to my roots<br />
When I look these people I've stopped seeing myself<br />
And my mistakes like trophies across a shelf<br />
There's a soul here for every two eyes I can find<br />
And piece of a whole for every peace of mind<br />
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(Thank you all for reading. You social networkers can follow me on Twitter here: @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a>.)Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-73499661124511668692012-02-20T07:11:00.002-06:002012-04-19T09:57:03.405-05:00I Really Hope So<br />
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Have you ever lost something? I'm constantly losing things. As I grow older, I find myself losing more and more it seems (probably not a good sign for my old-age years....) Something that really interests me is this: we rarely notice that we have lost something until we need it. We don't realize that we don't have our car keys until we are outside of the car door in the pouring rain. Our wallet doesn't cross our mind until we're in the drive through at Arby's and we have no way of paying for our meal. I guess it makes sense because most of us don't take a constant inventory of what items we are carrying with us, but the trend extrapolates to more important things I think. The process of losing something doesn't happen quickly, and it is normally not noticed at first. Take a marriage for example. Most marriages that fail do not fail instantaneously. There are small things that lead to bigger things that lead to real issues. Couples probably do not consciously think that the small arguments that they experience could be precursors to divorce. That is probably irrational in the moment, but looking back, I have heard many couples chock up the failed marriage to the "little things." </div>
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Time for some life story (enthusiasm ensues.) The biggest thing I ever lost was my faith. That is a bit of an overused phrase that means a lot of different things to different people. I did lose my faith in Christianity and stopped attending church, but it is a lot more than that. I lost my faith in people and in the world; in an innate goodness that I once believed people were born with. No longer did I look at people and see creatures capable of good, I saw hypocrisy and underlying motives and selfishness. Partly because all of those things were present in my own life, and I assigned them to the other people that I met, but I also experienced some deep hurts from people. To digress, I lost my faith in the world. It was not a decision made in haste or overnight though. I didn't wake up one day and decide to be a bitter, cynical, depressed jerk. It was a long process of events and walking away that led to where I was. And I didn't admit to myself that I had lost faith in everything until I was in the darkest place of the journey. I think that's how it goes when we lose things. I didn't fully realize that my hope was gone until I reached for it and it was gone. I needed a handle to anchor me, and it was gone. </div>
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The scary part of the story is that I didn't know it was gone. It was almost like one of those falling dreams where you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and then wake up. I leaned my life back and there was nothing to catch me. </div>
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How does this apply to anything? It seems so easy. As if we merely acknowledge that we have lost something, and then go find it. You realize that your car keys aren't in your pocket, so you go back inside and find them on the counter. You reach for a wallet that isn't there so you drive all the way back to work and eat up (pun intended) half of your lunch break and silently curse the world (yeah, this happens to me at least once a week..) But what happens when you really can't find what you're looking for? When you spend hours looking for it. It's maddening isn't? There is nothing worse than scouring a house for an item that cannot be located. I remember once at band practice I lost my car keys, and we looked for almost 2 hours before I found them...on the dash of my car. I was so incredibly furious. Where does this leave us in life when we can't find what we're looking for? Is there a kitchen counter of life where all of our problems can be found? For a long time, I didn't know the answer to that. I searched high and low for an anchor, but came up empty. </div>
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Eventually, just like my car keys, I returned to the source to search for my lost faith. It was the most sensical decision I have ever made. If I had lost faith in people, I needed to return to people, not alcohol or sex or any of the other routes I tried. Just because one person hurt me, it doesn't mean all people will. Losing your keys on Monday doesn't insure that you will lose them again on Tuesday. Life is an imperfect organism that is constantly dealing out ill-conceived situations, but it doesn't have to drive us to give up. You can't find God or hope when you aren't looking for them. It's as simple as that. If you put on a blindfold and intently stare at a mirror, you will not see yourself. No matter how desperately you concentrate, you cannot see through a blindfold. In the same way, I could not have found my faith by continuing to wear a blindfold. </div>
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I hurt for those of you who struggle with locating hope and faith. It is a battle I know very well, and I understand how desperate and bleak it can be. I'm definitely not an expert in this, or any, area of life, but let me offer this one thing I have learned: look at what you are looking for. It seems trite and too easy, but it makes so much sense if you dig deeper. If you are looking for a mountain, you can't stare at the ground and merely wander around. You might get lucky one day and walk into it, but the odds are slim. Instead you could look up, and see which direction you need to walk. It doesn't change the fact that you are far from the mountain, but it does give you a direction to walk in. The same goes for life. When you raise your eyes from the ground, you will not instantly be back to fine, but you can enjoy the hope of having a new direction to walk in. </div>
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Don't give up, friends. There is always hope, we just are not always looking at it. </div>
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God, give us the strength to lift our eyes and look for hope and faith.</div>
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(I really appreciate you all reading today. You can follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewhillec">matthewhillec</a> if you'd like to.)</div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-77022654334218873202012-02-04T10:28:00.002-06:002012-02-04T10:28:58.906-06:00There's A Wall There....Trust Me.<br />
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I think the only person in the entire world that understands the reference in the title is my older sister. It will come into play though, I assure you. Have you ever noticed that trust seems to be making itself very scarce these days? It seems like hearing that "trust issues" were the culprit in a failed relationship is an almost daily occurrence. I certainly cannot speak for anyone else, but in my own life it has been a huge stumbling block for me. I think at the root of the issue, trust is nothing more than knowing another person; knowing someone, but also becoming comfortable with that other human knowing you. The last half of the definition is the kicker for me. I love getting to know people, but people getting close to me scares me to death. And I know I am not alone in that regard. We are a protective race. This protective nature leads to us guarding our deepest self. There are obviously people who are more comfortable with opening themselves up to trust, but I think, on a certain level, a majority of people are nervous about letting someone else get to know them on a deep level. </div>
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As I personally grew into my adult years, I never gained a firm grip on how to trust people. I chose instead to construct safety barriers. As people grew closer to me, they become acquainted with pre-determined answers and traits that I was comfortable with and that I could control. The thing about barriers is that they become taller and more complex as life progresses and and soon they become walls. Further down the line, they close all around you. What does it mean to be walled in? For me it came in the form of distance. Distance from people who I wanted to be close to, but for some reason I could not make myself grow towards. Distance is a quiet menace. It hurts, but at the same time it is incredibly difficult to pin down. It can be felt, but not seen. People who attempted to get close to me could definitely feel that there were walls between them and me, but there is nearly nothing you can do about someone who closes their self off from the world. Since those days, I have made steps towards becoming someone who trusts, but still there are things that I do not understand about trust. I think that trust is a process though. Perhaps it is not all meant to be grasped at once. Trusting too soon can lead to being hurt and betrayed, but refusing to trust leads to bitterness. Somewhere in the middle there is a healthy place that we are all looking for.</div>
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My dad and I work together (and by that I mean I work for him) so we spend a lot of time together during the days. One day recently I was loading an axle into the back of a customers truck. Let me frame the scenario a bit. The truck was brand new and very fancy. By my best estimate, it was probably worth roughly 60,000 dollars. The axle going into the back of this truck was worth close to 1,000 dollars. I was driving a forklift worth several thousand dollars, carrying the axle towards this brand new truck. As I approached the back of the truck I saw my dad. He was standing to my left. When I was in position to load the axle into the truck, something unfortunate happened. I had to raise the axle to such a height that I could not see the truck at all. Without prompting, my dad appeared at my side and said these simple words, "Come on in. I've got you." So without a clear view of the truck, axle or even people for that matter, I began to drive forward. In fact I took my eyes off of the ground in front of me and focused all of my attention on my dad's hand. He was slowly waving me forward and directing me. In that moment I realized that I was learning what it means to trust. There was a ton of money at stake if I hit something with the gigantic forklift, and yet I wasn't watching it at all. I know my dad on such a level that I knew he would not let me hit anything. </div>
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I think trust can work like that with anyone. For a lot of years, I could not make myself believe that anyone would ever care enough to put me in front of themselves. That is a vital component to trust. That day, my dad put me in front of himself and took control of the situation. He was the one making sure that the truck, the axle, and everyone involved stayed safe. I was only watching his hand. I often wonder of God in heaven is begging me to take the same approach with him that I take with my dad. What would my life look like if took my eyes off the things that I think are important and instead watched for God's hand; slowly waving me away from danger. It's a powerful thought to say the least. </div>
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I know that I am not the only person in history to ever build walls around myself. It happens all the time. I am learning every day what it means to trust people, and how to deconstruct those walls. I look forward to meeting and trusting new people, and I know that we all have the ability to trust. Don't rush into it or out of it. Trust is a lot like a turtle (just wait my friends...) slow and steady wins the race. Just start the race.</div>
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(Thanks for reading today. Follow me on Twitter if you wanna chat: @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">MattHillEC</a>.)</div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-14867117771923588372012-01-18T06:56:00.000-06:002012-01-18T06:56:58.092-06:00There Goes My HeroI find it strange just how similar I am to my dad. We think the same, act the same, we even have the same handwriting. My dad is my absolute hero, and if I turned out exactly like him I would okay with it. For some reason, I was thinking about this a few days ago, and it really made me wonder how my dad became my hero. I know that there are a lot of small boys who idolize their dads and want to be just like them, but how and why is it that we become just like them? Well my friends, let's find out.<br />
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My dad and I work at the same place; and by that I mean I work for him, so we're around each other 40 hours a week (unless we work overtime...which we do...because we're men.) An outsider looking in might not notice anything peculiar in the way that my we interact, but underneath the obvious appearance there is a lot going on. For instance, when my dad is talking on the phone to a customer, I can tell by his word choice, inflection, tone, and facial gestures what kind of person he's talking to. Without even speaking words to each other, I can tell when he needs me to get him a calculator or a pen. I don't recall sitting down and studying my dad's habits in such detail that I can understand them as I do, I just spend an inordinate amount of time with him. There have been times when people read notes that we make and cannot tell if I wrote them or if he did. We can both clearly tell the differences, but to outsiders it looks the same. I understand that genetics plays a heavy role in common characteristics in offspring, but having a hero goes so much deeper than that.</div>
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Some of the things that I have in common with my dad are by choice. From my earliest memories growing up, my dad absolutely despised ranch dressing. He won't eat it on anything. I hate ranch dressing; I genuinely cannot stand the way it tastes or smells for some reason, but the first time I refused it was not because of my opinions. It was because I wanted to be like my dad. The same goes for Dr. Pepper, milk, lengthy board games, people who talk too much, and so on. It is fascinating to me that some of my core likes and dislikes are direct copies of my dad's preferences. They're deeply seeded in my character, but they came from outside of me. My adoration and respect of my dad shaped who I am. I know that Dr. Pepper and board games are not integral aspects of my character, but they are part of who I am; and the areas that my dad has influenced in my life go much deeper that surface preferences. My dad has the softest heart of anyone I've ever met. He feels things incredibly deeply, and cares in ways that I cannot understand all the time. Over the years I've come to realize that I feel things like he does. We don't even have to discuss it, but our reactions to situations are very similar. I haven't always acted on this tendency as well as he does, but I am growing as we all are. </div>
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The fact that we are able to copy another person is amazing to me. It is also horrifying in a way. I think of all of the people in this world who people are copying and it hurts my heart. There are some people out there who do not need to be imitated. I, as always, am not going to judge anyone. I understand that we all have setbacks and areas that we struggle in, but I hurt for the youth who are copying individuals who live in ways that are unhealthy. I love my dad and he understands me like no one else. How does the dynamic change when we don't know our heroes? When we can't question them and work with them and come to know them inside and out. I have nothing against heroes that we will never meet. Jon Foreman is and amazing person. I love his outlook on music and writing and life, and I draw inspiration from him, yet he will never mean as much to me as my dad does. Jon is an ethereal hero. My dad is a tangible one. I wish so deeply that everyone could have tangible heroes as amazing as my dad is. I understand that this is not possible, and I cherish my dad close to my heart. </div>
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Find heroes who are real. Be a hero to someone who needs one. End your blogs with very feel good sayings. And have a wonderful day everyone.</div>
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(Thanks for reading today. Follow me on Twitter @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">MattHillEC </a>if you want to chat.)</div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-68731142389740354132012-01-14T13:40:00.001-06:002012-02-21T11:40:56.690-06:00Hypocrisy<br />
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I'm going to write from the heart today. As usual, I might become incoherent and lose my train of thought, and I applaud anyone who makes it through all of this (whatever this may become.) Hypocrisy is something that both fascinates and annoys me. Obviously I don't like the fact that some people claim to be one thing and are evidently something completely different. My heart breaks when I see Christians who proclaim the love of God but are some of the rudest, mean-spirited people I've met. Hypocrisy is the arch-nemesis of integrity. It is acid rain on a forest of respect. At the same time, I am deeply intrigued by the thought processes that precede moments of hypocrisy. </div>
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At one point or another, we all have fallen victim to hypocrisy's clutches. It is highly improbable that any of us are perpetually upright individuals who never act in ways contrary to our previous statements, but I believe that often we don't even realize when we are being hypocrites. Let me restate that: <u>I</u> don't realize when <u>I'm </u>being a hypocrite. Being all-inclusive in that is judgemental and hypocritical in some fashion. Imagine this with me for a minute: a man has been hurt by some careless people's misguided, ill-thought words. His reputation has suffered the shrapnel of human conversation, and he has been deeply affected by what was said. Now these individuals who hurt him had all claimed and appeared to be outstanding people; the man would never have suspected them to slander his name. Nonetheless their actions appear contrary to their claims, and are thereby hypocritical. Here's where I begin to lose my cohesive grip on the subject. If he tells anyone what has happened, is he not too being a hypocrite? How can he be upset with those individuals for talking about him, and then go talk to someone else about the same people? It's like seeing some people smoking cigarettes in a non-smoking park and running then turning to a friend to bring it to their attention while you yourself are smoking. Now I don't have anything against smoking (Although it can probably kill you. But I used to smoke.... hypocritical, parenthetical statement. Wow.) but the principle can be extrapolated I think. It's hard to not be hypocritical.</div>
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I don't want to appear as if I have no hope in humanity or think that everyone is a huge hypocrite; far from it. I've just been hit really hard lately with the reality that often times the people that I am the most upset with probably have solid ground to be upset with me in return for the way I handle situations. If you're talking about the "lying psycho who went behind your back and cheated on you" to a friend, that lying psycho might be talking about the "crazy girl who never could keep her mouth shut and spreads stuff." It comes full circle. This topic has really been weighing heavily on my heart of late. I'll be the first to admit that I have been hurt by people. It is relatively easy to be in that group. Though none of us want to fall into this next group, most of us are included in its ranks just as easily. The "I've been hurt by people, but I've probably hurt people as well" group. This is rough stuff for me. It's not fun to realize that I am my enemies. I've been gossiped about. I have gossiped about. I've been lied about. I have lied about. My reputation has been cut down. I have cut down reputations. I don't want to lump us all into one group. I understand that everyone deals with this differently, and I really respect those of you who remain integrity-enriched through episodes of hypocrisy directed at you. I wish I was as strong as you are, but I realize I have lengthy ground to cover. I am not a good example of how to not be a hypocrite. </div>
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My heart is running out of words, so it looks like this is going to be another short post. Maybe these are better. Sometimes wading through shallow water is better that diving off of a cruise ship into the ocean. Everyone needs their fair share of bite-sized pieces of life. (My Oprah-esque moment has now concluded.) I hope that these words never feel judgmental or feel like I am trying to tell anyone what to do. I certainly don't have life figured out. There are countless areas that I struggle with. I just hope to spark thoughts and conversations. People figure things out together better than they do alone. That being said, I am going to go ride my motorcycle at breakneck speeds to burn some agression off. Have a wonderful day everyone. God bless you.</div>
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Oh I forgot that I have some exciting news. Sometime in mid to late February, I will be having an entire week of guest posts. It's going to be fun for everyone. I get to have some of my good friends and mentors sharing their thoughts and stories. Can't wait for it!</div>
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(I aways say this in parentheses at the bottom, and I don't know why. Anyways, thanks for checking this out today. You can leave comments or chat with me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">MattHillEC</a>.)</div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-19228448195694253582012-01-09T08:58:00.001-06:002012-01-09T08:58:11.104-06:00Just A Little Something<p>This one is just something I wrote. Hope you like it, and I hope it means something to one or two of you. </p> <br/> <p>That year seems to have divided my heart and my head. <br> <br/> Good intentions only take us so far, we've all been misled. <br> <br/> One day I'm coming back home to show you my hands. <br> <br/> Until then just know I'm sorry, and I'll do what I can. </p> <br/> <p>My mind is the culprit no one knew.<br> <br/> But my blood still bleeds for you.<br> <br/> You could fall in love with someone else.<br> <br/> But you've got nothing left to prove.</p> <br/> <p>I was a hunter you were my prize.<br> <br/> But like a good father you opened my eyes.<br> <br/> Like a good mother you saw the inside.<br> <br/> Like a good lover you gave me your time.<br> <br/> Would you believe my skin is a wall.<br> <br/> Oh but your words are the bomb that makes the bricks fall.</p> <br/> <p>I'm alive because you are alive.<br> <br/> I'm complete because your eyes don't see indecency.<br> <br/> Only dreams.</p> <br/> <p>Thank you all for spending some time with me. Have a beautiful day.</p> <br/> <p>(If you want to chat, leave a comment or follow me on Twitter here @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">MattHillEC</a>.)</p> <br/> <div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2</div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-90253798859296297252012-01-05T13:03:00.000-06:002012-01-05T13:16:09.415-06:00HammersImagine something with me for a moment. Picture yourself in charge of building a house. You have the blueprints, the work is contracted out, everything is ready to go. Now imagine picking up the first hammer and going to work (since you are evidently a hands on owner of this construction company.) Suddenly, the hammer becomes very rubbery and is unable to retain its shape. The wooden handle melts in your hand, and is rendered completely useless. What do you do with that hammer? You throw it aside into the scrap pile and get another hammer better suited to accomplish your task.<br />
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Story number two. Imagine that you are a NASCAR driver. You're enjoying a substantial lead and preparing yourself to take home a trophy, when something very uncharacteristic happens. Your tires become stones. Literal stones. Obviously this is a severe hindrance on your driving abilities, so you quickly pull into the pit stop and get some new tires that are actually made of rubber (or whatever they make race car tires out of these days.) The rocks were of no use to you, and they held you back.<br />
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Here's another one (there is an end in sight I promise.) You are the CEO of an investing firm. Your company is hours away from completing a huge merger which will lead to grand pay increases and deep growth for all involved. You have assigned your right hand man to oversee the happenings, but on the way to the meeting in which the official papers will be signed, he decides that he is better suited to be a fry cook and quits on the spot. Wendy's on his mind, he jumps in his car to reevaluate his life's calling.<br />
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If you're looking for a thread running throughout these stories, search no more. Objects or people that choose not to function within the parameters set out for their purposes are more often than not discarded and replaced with suitable alternatives. A hammer that cannot drive in nails is useless; tires that are made of rocks will simply not suffice on vehicles; and a corporate executive who has a hankering to flip hamburger patties will never belong in the financial world of business. I wonder what the world would look like if we all realized this. How hard would we work? How much more attention would we pay to our duties and responsibilities? There is no way of knowing, but what I also wonder how miserable it would be to live life constantly in fear of slipping below the line of appropriate adequacy and being replaced. That is a terrifying thought; never knowing if today will be your last before you get tossed into the same scrap pile as a flimsy hammer. Everyone will inevitably fail and be less than their best at one point or another, and the thought of not getting any free passes is very scary. It gives me the image of an almost <i>1984-</i>esque dynamic. How horrible. Still, in the back of our minds I think we all realize that making a decision to be less effective than you can be, or to attempt to thrive in ways that are not set out for you can and maybe will end in losses for you. Hammers that are not hammers are not hammers (wow...that's deep.)<br />
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So where is this all going? Let's find out. I don't know how all of you feel about having a purpose in life. I'm sure some of you think we do, and some of you think we don't. Humor me for a minute regardless of your view if you don't mind. Why do we, in clear sight of our purpose in life, choose to morph into shapes that pull us away from what we know we should do? I don't want this to just apply to Christians who feel like God is calling them to do something. That is definitely one area that you can apply this to, but I think it can go beyond that as well. What does your heart beat fast for? What stirs you? Why do we often run from these things? It doesn't make sense to me. I'm going to use some more literal examples to help me hash this out. A girl notices that her school is a breeding ground for bullying. It is an everyday occurrence, and it is disintegrating the social integrity of the school. She feels like she should be a voice and try to make a change, but she chooses instead to focus all of her efforts on excelling in her classes, and being quiet; quieter, perhaps, than before she felt led to make a change. Here's another: a young man feels God calling him to become a missionary. This young man proceeds to let his relationship with God falter, runs from the prospect of leaving behind his comfortable life, and accomplishes nothing. He is worse off than before we felt this calling. One more can't hurt (unless it can.) Just kidding, I can't really think of another one so let's move on. How deep are the effects of turning from purpose? We may never know. There is an endless number of people that have the potential to be affected by your actions. If you are steady reader of this blog, you might remember that I asked you all to share a blog with one friend a few <a href="http://www.poetryandmath.com/2011/12/trees-and-people.html">posts</a> ago. It was all connected to this. I'll just share one story from it. One of my friends told me that she had shared the blog with a friend who really liked it, and I believe that friend also shared it with a friend. Everything we do can have ripple effects, and it takes just one rock to start it all. Another thought is this: what all are you missing out on by choosing to ignore your purpose?<br />
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Let me digress a little bit. We talked about the world's tendency to discard those who do not live up to their expectations. I want to introduce you to my own personal view of how this works in my own life. I truly, deeply believe that I have a purpose in life. I also live in fear of losing that purpose from time to time. I fear that if I deviate far enough off course or apply my attention to the wrong areas, I will be discarded and someone else will receive my purpose. I'm going to incorporate faith for a minute. I do understand that God cannot use us if we are living in sin. He cannot use people that are living in ways opposite of what he instructs, but he can absolutely turn anyone around and then use them. Every step we take away becomes part of our story, and subsequently an aspect of our purpose. It is never God's plan for us to fail, but unlike the world he does not offhandedly discard us when we fail. We can always come home to him, and always get back on track with our purpose. God is the master of making hammers that are not hammers become hammers once more (...I have no words. And I am done with hammer illusions.) What scares me the most is the possibility of missing out on some amazing things while I choose to do my own thing and put purpose on the back burner.<br />
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Where does this leave you? As confused as you were five minutes ago undoubtedly, but hopefully you can begin to see that following purpose yields rewards both to us and to those around us, in spite of its difficulties. Be a hammer made of wood, not rubber (I was obviously not being truthful earlier.)<br />
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This is again unrelated (and probably petty advertisement) but Ellison's Cage is finally off of hiatus! So if any of you are in the Little Rock area, feel free to come out to our first show at The Friction House on February 10th. Here is a link to the details <a href="http://www.facebook.com/events/145561415555979/">http://www.facebook.com/events/145561415555979/</a>.<br />
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(Thanks for taking some time out of your busy day to read. Follow me on Twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">here</a> @MattHillEC .)<br />
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<br />Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-19105152868444052952011-12-31T11:22:00.001-06:002011-12-31T11:30:19.543-06:00This One Doesn't Warrant A NameWell it happened again. I let myself get busy. I hope you all had a relatively stress free holiday season. This one is going to be a short post. An interesting thought came to me yesterday and I just want to share it.<br />
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My first response to hurting someone or something is to avoid that person or thing. So if I get in an argument with a friend and upset them, I do my best stay away from them. When I mess up a transaction a work, my tendency is to want to leave the counter and go in the back. I've never given this pattern much thought until recently. I realized that I do the same thing with God, and I think a lot of people do. When we do something that we feel or even know that God is displeased with, we avoid him. Innate human reaction dictates that we run from it. My thought was this: at what point would we not run from God? When we're absolutely perfect? That was my first assumption, but as I thought about it more, I rejected that notion. If we were perfect people we would not need God at all. He sent a savior for the broken and hurting; for imperfect people. Why would we need help if we were perfect? <br />
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I truly believe that in the the time following our failures, we all turn to something for solace. I also believe that God is keenly aware of this trend and opens his arms as wide as they can stretch. Why then do we run? Would a dehydrated runner turn away from a glass of water? I've been there and no they would not. Neither should we turn.<br />
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I would like to share something that I've been working on lately. I think it applies. It's part of an Ellison's Cage song. I actually haven't shown the other guys in the band this yet (sorry boyos...), so feel special:<br />
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I wish the oceans weren't so deep when the rains came.<br /> <br /> I wish my thoughts weren't buried so deep inside my brain.<br /> <br /> I wish this house wasn't cold all winter long.<br /> <br /> I wish I had the nerve to sing another song.<br /> <br /> But we all change.<br /> <br /> In ways we cannot understand.<br /> <br /> We all grow. <br /> <br /> Like a grain of sand becomes a pearl. <br /> <br /> I don't have much more to say, I just wanted to share a thought. I hope that we all learn to accept outselves as God does and understand that every failure is a blessing in disguise. I pray you each have a safe, blessed new years. <br />
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(As always, thank you for joining me here. I typed this on my phone so please overlook and typos :) hit me up on my new Twitter name @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthillec">MattHillEC</a>.)<br />
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Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2</div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-32228297369446909532011-12-21T14:31:00.000-06:002011-12-22T07:06:22.561-06:00Trees and PeopleHey everyone! Sorry that it's been so long since I posted anything. I've been pretty busy with life, but here we are again; together in the virtual world of words. That was weird, I apologize. I feel like words are oxygen to me, and I feel like I've been holding my breath lately. So allow us to breathe together and perpetuate the lovely lives that we lead. That had nothing to do with today's topic by the way.<br />
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Here we go for real now. Lately I've been noticing that a lot of areas of my life have been thriving on stop and start patterns. What I mean is that I have a tendency to dig my toes into something, and then jump right back out; get excited about something else, and then drop it; over and over again I fall short of the longevity that I need to continue these things. I am grateful that I've gained the cognizance to realize that this pattern is forming, but still I lack the understanding necessary to climb out of this hole. I'll be honest with all of you guys, I'm kind of struggling with this right now. Most of the writers and blogs that I follow tend to propose answers and theories, and I partake in my fair share of that, but today I really don't have any answers. Only questions.<br />
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Did you know that it takes a minimum of 70 years for pine trees to reach maturity? Some take up to 250 years. I'll admit that I did not know this until I just googled it. That is an impressive fact to me though. I commonly look at trees and marvel at the fact that such huge, dense creatures came from mere seeds that could rest easily in my palm. I wonder how many people looked at those trees before they reached their prime though? How many eyes brushed over them as they slowly reached their potential. 70 years is a very long time. In the time that a baby is born, grows up, grows old, and subsequently passes away, a pine tree has only just begin to live. And some take 3 lifetimes to reach the age at which they can begin to thrive. Want to know something else interesting about pine trees? I knew you would (or you're questioning whether this blog has any point and you're considering getting on Facebook, and I understand.) The tap roots in pine trees often grow between 5 and 10 feet down into the ground, and can grow up to 20 feet downward if the conditions are right. The support and nutritional systems of these trees are largely unseen. I think there are some powerful parallels that can be drawn between those trees and my own life. If, over the next few minutes, you find that my extrapolations from tree life to real life are going off the deep end, feel free to stop reading. Let it begin...<br />
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Sometimes I think that I pretend to be a fully-grown tree when my roots are only a few inches deep. Imagine a 50 foot pine tree whose roots were only 5 inches deep. It would only take minutes for the wind to topple a giant tree that was loosely rooted in a few inches of soil. This idea seems silly to me, yet I choose to root myself so shallowly in my own life. I pretend to be a mature tree and I reach for lofty places, but I ignore the fact that even the slightest breeze can offset my balance and bring me down. To hone back in on reality, let me put it this way: I get excited about pursuing God seriously, or being more productive in Ellison's Cage, or even taking more initiative at my job, which are all very good things to long after, but again and again I seem to jump into the thick of things and then choke out. I reach for the heavens in my faith walk, but fall back into sin as soon as temptation arises. I set goals for writing songs, but succumb to the draw of tv or going to the movies. I resolve to sell more at work, but take every chance I can get to sit down and waste time. My intentions seem to be grounded in truth and sincerity, but I lack the patience to dig my roots deep enough to sustain my ventures. Maybe I don't even fully understand how to go deeper in my roots. I wrote last month about change, and I think I am beyond wanting to change right now in my life. I can see change so clearly, but it's behind bullet-proof glass and all I have is a water pistol.<br />
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How can I focus on digging deeper into the soil of life instead of reaching for high goals? This is where I am right now. It's midnight, I'm tired, I am uncomfortably cold for some reason, and I don't have an answer. For a lot of years I thrived on words and always having something to say, but I've come to learn that words are like cars sometimes; they can run out of gas. I feel like I've made some significant steps to overcome the downfalls I experienced this year, but still I want something more; something deeper. </div>
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To be honest again, I have no plan for the rest of this blog; I'm just writing what comes to heart. Ernest Hemingway said "Write hard and clear about what hurts." Sometimes it's a good approach, sometimes it becomes rambling. I feel like I've used that quote before, but it still remains true. I just searched "deeper" in my bible app on my droid (I wonder what Jesus thinks modern conveniences) and came up with this: "They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built." (Luke 6:48) The part that sticks out to me is where it says "Dug down deep." That implies effort. Have you ever dug straight down into the earth? It reminds me of a time I was helping a friend wire the electricity for a house and we had to dig a round hole to place a power pole in. It's incredibly difficult to dig straight into the ground. Lots of effort was required, and progress was made very slowly. To again extrapolate, what does digging down deep mean in my life? I think it means that there is a lot of dense, hard material that is covering up the place that my foundation needs to be. There are some emotions and some scars that are most likely inhibiting me from being solid. I thank God even right now that he forgives my misgivings and mistakes, and that he understands my difficulty, and I pray for strength to remove that which blocks me from knowing him deeper.</div>
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Patience seems to be pretty key to this process. I cannot become firmly rooted overnight. It is going to take time and it is going to take effort. A fact about trees that sticks out to me in hindsight is that they don't all grow at the same rate. I know I already said this, but it can take anywhere from 70 to 250 years for them to reach maturity. I think I am on the long end of the spectrum. It takes me a while to grow, but deep down I am growing. I hurt for those of us who have a hard time appreciating small steps, and who judge ourselves very harshly. It is a flaw of mine, and I know other people struggle with it as well. So know that these words are about my own journey, but are meant for many different people. I want to end with a few words to our heavenly Father:</div>
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God, you know that I love you, and you know that I struggle. Give me and give us all the strength to see beyond the here and now into the days to come. Help us to put in the effort needed to build our foundation deep and firmly upon you, all the while appreciating and learning from each step in the process. Help us to love you and love one another. Amen.</div>
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P.S. This is unrelated to the post, but I am doing an experiment if any of you would like to participate. All you have to do is share this blog with one friend who has never heard of it before and encourage them to read a post. I am writing a post around the experiment, and I'll explain it further then. I'd appreciate your help :) </div>
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(Thanks for reading my rambles today. I love and pray for you all. You can find me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand</a> if you want to chat.)</div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-71696144702162867242011-12-10T11:10:00.001-06:002011-12-10T12:43:09.247-06:0010 Days Project<br />
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This post is going to be a little bit different. I just want to share with you all a project that I have been working on called <i>10 Days. </i>It is a fiction project and this is just a small part of it, and is not indicative of the whole, but let me know what you think of it!</div>
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Fog. Breath that becomes condensed and inhibits vision when formed on visors. Why am I looking through a visor? Suddenly I can see and hear and feel so many new things all at once and I cannot remember how I came to be in the place in which I now am. I don't even know where I am. I have no point of familiarity around which to formulate an idea as to where I now find myself. A calm sensation washes over me, but I know panic is not far off. Have you ever heard of people who wake up from sleep walking in strange places and have no idea how to react? I think that's happening to me right now. My senses are on overload. </div>
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All I can see is a muddy path with hardened ruts that stretches on for miles. There's a dead smell in the air. My helmet must have an air filtering system as I can distinguish smells, but it also appears to be thoroughly sealed. I don't even know what air filtering systems are come to think of it. My vocabulary is adapting to whatever delusional experience I am currently in. I know that I am wearing a full body suit to accompany my helmet. How cute. I bet I look fantastic to the people walking towards me. There are people walking towards me! Maybe they can inform me of where I am. I try to speak out, but my mouth refuses to form words or sounds. I want so badly to call out to them. They are closer now. They look intimidating actually. Objects foreign to me adorn their suits. Weapon-like instruments are in their hands. Fear twinged with panic explodes through my veins into my brain as the figures draw ever closer. They could hurt me. They could kill me. Whatever system that is in charge of my respiratory processes fails me. My new body is receiving no oxygen, or whatever substance I am breathing. My vision becomes unclear and I stumble to my knees just as the two solemn creatures march deliberately past me. I can see the dull, metallic greens and grays of their uniforms. Their boots are so close to me that I am afraid of being trampled. Then they are gone. I didn't even receive a glance from them. Is it possible that they missed me? Of course not. I had been directly in their line of sight for the better part of 45 seconds. Why did they not stop to help me? Oh well, at least they didn't hurt me.</div>
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I struggle to regain my composure, pull my self to my feet, and keep wandering down the path with a heightened sense of awareness. As I walk, I begin to take notice of my surroundings. Barren wasteland dominates my entire view. There is no vegetation of any sort. No animals. No water. Nothing at all. The sky is devoid of life. The clouds are so low that I feel claustrophobic. All around me seems to have had the life sucked out of it. I am looking at the hollow skeleton of a world. I can remember watching black and white TV shows with my mother as a child and secretly thinking that they looked depressing, but not understanding why. I originally thought it was due to the lack of modernity, but now I realize it could simply be attributed to a lack of color. Where color is, there is joy. And the same can be said of the opposite. Oddly enough, I think I smell just a hint of salt in the air. There doesn't seem to be any signs of an ocean or salt water anywhere. Strange. I must have been imagining it.</div>
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Suddenly. I glance up and an old woman dressed in the same suit as the first two men is only three feet away from me. Startled, I quickly sidestep to my left to avoid a collision. How did I miss her? She seems to have appeared out of nowhere, and as she ambles through the spot at which I stood only seconds before, she too fails to even so much as look in my direction. I need to run back towards her to get her attention, but when I turn around she has vanished. Frustration consumes me. All I want is to be noticed by someone so they can help me. I take off at a brisk jog down the path in search of someone else. I see a group of five or six figures emerge over the horizon, and I take off at a full sprint towards them. It is only now that I realize how heavy my own suit is. It appears to be completely made of ancient steel. It creaks and groans as I urge it to move faster. At one point it must have been painted a vibrant red, but the aftermath remaining is something more like a rusty, dull red with many silver spots showing through the decaying paint. It fits in nicely with the lack of color all around me. My legs feel as heavy as my suit as I close in on the people. I wave my arms frantically, but all of them keep advancing towards me an a constant pace. None of them appear to be speaking to one another. They all have on the same greenish suits as everyone else I have seen. I wonder why mine is a different color. They are close now. Very close. How can they not see me? They must see me. They are all playing a terrible joke on me. They are mere feet from me now. I refuse to budge. Hit me if they must, but I am going to contact someone. Right before the crash into me, I can see into the first figures visor. It is perfectly reflective. I see the cold, dank landscape around me, but something is missing. I cannot pinpoint it at first. The dirt and clouds and sky are all there. It hits me hard and disturbingly. My reflection is not there. Somehow his helmet left me out of its reflection. It is as if I don't exist to him. Then, suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a different sensation. I feel a deathly cold so deep in my soul that I cannot describe it. An emptiness the likes of which I have never felt rakes through my body. I again am unable to breathe. Something is happening to me, but I don't know what. And they are gone. They walked right through me. They and I occupied the exact same space at the same time. How is that possible? It's like they stole my space. I spin around, but like the old woman, they are nowhere to be seen. It feels like the figure stole part of me when he walked through me.</div>
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Wildly, I tear myself from the path and careen into the wide open space in search of something. Absolutely anything; a rock, a deviation in the footing, a poisonous snake to bite and kill me. My lungs are screaming at me to slow down, but I refuse to acknowledge the pain and continue at a breakneck speed. Eventually I am forced to concede and sink to the path. The path? I left the path two minutes ago. It is impossible that I am still on it. I jump to my feet and spin around frantically trying to piece together what is happening to me. I see only one path; stretching out in a straight line forever. Panicing, I run completely perpendicular to the path off towards nothing. I want to be away from this place. It seems empty and expansive at the same time. Both terrifying and terribly dull. Ordinary but completely foreign. My eyes briefly find the sky. It looks exactly the same; low, pressing clouds that threaten to pour down rain or hail or whatever they were holding. I would love for a change in the weather. But like every other element of this dreadful place, the sky is taunting me. I know there will be no change. My eyes drift back down. I again see the same, rut-infested, dirty path. This is impossible. I curse at the hollow, empty sky. I feel like I am in a science fiction movie where the laws of time and space have been altered, and I have no power to control or even understand this place. Tears come. I cannot stop them. I am devastated, scared, hopelessly lost. Lost isn't the right word. I have no frame of reference to even be lost. I'm misplaced. A growing sense of panic builds in my stomach. This world seems so big and overwhelming, so I lay face down on the horrid ground.</div>
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How long I lay here I cannot determine. It feels like seconds. But the seconds feel like months. I feel like when I stand up I should be the same person, and an old woman at the same time. Rather when I pull my head up, I see a mirror. Life floods my body. It is the first bit of familiarity that I have experienced here. I pull the reflective surface closer and peer into it. What I see makes no sense. I see a tree; healthy and large; on a hill. All around it is an expansive meadow. Flowers and plants of so many colors that I cannot distinguish them all make up the scenery. It looks like a melting pot of artful landscaping. So incredibly many different things, yet they all come together in tasteful harmony The sky is magnificently blue. Almost like a picture of the ocean out of a travel brochure. The sight is breath-taking. All of the plants and flowers are pointed at the huge tree. Under the boughs of the tree I can see children playing on some sort of structure. At first I cannot make out what it is, but as I continue to stare it comes into focus. It is a fort built of metal. The pieces are a reddish color. They appear to have once been a vibrant red, but the years have taken their tole on them. The pieces are not very large. Perhaps they once made up a small vehicle. Or maybe a piece of furniture. Or a suit that could be worn to protect someone from that which they feared. Nevertheless, the pieces seem to have found their perfect place. They are indeed messed up, but beautifully constructed at the same time in a structure on which the children are enjoying themselves. One of the children points at the fort and then points towards me. Surely he can't see me can he? Maybe he can. It is a penetrating gesture. I feel like he is touching my heart and soul. Then all too soon, the scene vanishes, replaced by my current surroundings. Again, I cannot see my reflection.</div>
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I let my head sink back onto the hard ground. I will lay here until I die. What did that mirror mean? I cannot get over the haunting gesture and stare of that small child. Suddenly the ground is now shaking violently, which forces me out of my mind and back to my weary feet. What now? What more could possible go wrong in this god-forsaken wasteland. When I finally stand up, what I see is horrifying. There are more people in suits. Hundreds of people in suits. Probably thousands. An army is advancing on me. I'm so confused and tired that I cannot process what to do. Their footsteps thunder across the still ground towards me. I want so badly to lay down and be trampled, but I can't even seem to manage that. So I stand and await. As they come upon me, everything goes into slow motion. I don't mean that it feels like slow motion, things are literally moving by at a snail's pace. I am slowly surrounded by as many people as I have ever seen in one single place before. Seconds are thick liquid pouring down over me. I struggle to avoid being trampled, but it isn't necessary. I can simply step out of the way of these slow-moving warriors. The scene is actually comical. I risk a glance at a visor. No reflection. I am still not real to them. I meander about through the crowd observing these people. They are all equally stoic. None of their visors reflect me, and none of the seem to know I am there at all, yet as I move, they constantly reposition themselves so that I am in the center of them. It is as if they are trying to attack me, but they cannot see me. </div>
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Without warning life speeds up significantly. Figures are running by me at incredible speeds. Colors blur into a scene made by an artist who used far too much paint, but all sound cuts out. Where is the sound? Why can't I hear anything at all? Violently I am knocked to my knees. I quickly try to get up, but am knocked right back down. I can't move. I reach up but my arms are swallowed in the people. My stomach is in knots with panic. I need out. All around me, these warriors are closing in further and further. My breath comes in choppy spurts. I can feel my mind slipping into unconsciousness. I am so closed in. I can't move at all. I can't think. I can't feel.</div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-6576244014365695832011-12-05T07:11:00.001-06:002012-02-21T11:49:27.568-06:00Don't Waste Pain<br />
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I recently heard a really interesting quote from a lady at the church I attend. Those of you who go to the same church that I do will recognize it. She said, "God doesn't waste pain." The simplicity of that statement is marginally misleading I think. There is a lot of depth packed into those four words, and they have led me to many thoughts that I cannot ignore. It entails that pain is currency. Pain can be spent and used for things that are inherently good, and God is a wise spender. While going through pain is obviously not ideal and is avoided in most cases, the outcome can lead to things that we cannot imagine. So is pain good? I'm not making that claim, or at least I don't think that I am going to make that claim; I just want to take an honest look at this very insightful observation. </div>
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I am not sure if I fully understand the idea yet, but I can't get it out of my head so I decided to write about it now. Let's think about it and discover it together. I'm no stranger to pain. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, and have faced some pretty bleak circumstances. I know that God never planned for me to deviate from his path, yet I think it is entirely possible that he can use each and every mistake that I have made and every hardship I've encountered to strengthen his plan for my life. If I could go back and redo some things, I would definitely choose different routes, but time travel is unfortunately impossible. Instead I want to be able to embrace the negative parts of my past and allow them to be crafted into a story that I can share with people who have faced similar struggles. </div>
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So how does pain become something bigger? Something beautiful? I would be lying if I claimed to understand that conundrum in its entirety. I cannot speak for anyone else, so I'm just going to look at my own story, and see if I can find the beauty through the pain. So here is a little look into my life. As I said, I've struggled with a lot of different things in my life. I've written here about my struggles with understanding God and who he truly is, and in the segments of my life where I walked away from God, I found myself in some very dark places. For a long time, I didn't believe that God was real. I resigned to face life alone, and whatever circumstances came along I would deal with. I separated myself from everyone that I was close to in an effort to forget God, but what resulted was a deep loneliness. A loneliness that I tried to fill with worldly things; Sex, alcohol, lust. Anything and everything that the world assured me was the gateway to wholeness, but I never found anything that felt deep or real. So many things in this life thrive on surface level connections, but fail to establish any sort of solid foundation. It's like a farmer planting all of his crops in soil that is only an inch deep. It might appear that all is well, but there is simply not enough earth to sustain bountiful crops. The same goes for what I was looking for. One of the darkest nights of my life was the night that I realistically considered the possibility of ending my life. I'm not trying to be dramatic or squeeze sympathy out of anyone, I just want to paint a picture of what I've faced. It has been a painful journey. Some days I think of all the people I've hurt and used up along the way in order to feel good. Or to feel anything. It's disheartening to say the least. I am fully aware that many people have faced far worse than I have, and I'm not downplaying people who have faced less than I have, I only want to establish my story so we can look at it. </div>
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The journey home was long. Actually it IS long; it's far from over. Admitting that I was at fault and that I needed people to stand beside me and help me was not an easy task for me. But slowly over time, I became aware that I could not continue to live alone. It was killing me, and it was killing those who were trying to reach out to me. So there's a little bit of my story. I'm still not where I need to be. I don't think I ever will be, nor do I think anyone can be. A restlessness for continual change is healthy and necessary in an adapting world. I never want to find myself in a state of complacency.</div>
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How do we go from that story back to the fact that God never wastes pain? I think the best way is to share where I'm at now. I had a conversation with my parents not too long ago wherein we discussed reaching people. My mom said something that really affected me. She made the point that the circumstances we have faced affect who we are called to reach. Maybe all the months and years of searching that I did will one day help me share my story with other people who are and have been searching. It was such a revolutionary idea to me. The idea that not a single moment in our life is wasted. Every second that we are alive is part of our story. The band that I play in is planning some big things for this upcoming year, and I know that sharing our individual stories and our collective story is going to factor into everything that we do. That is where I feel called to go, and I am aware that some of the people I meet will be in need of hearing a story like mine. I think of a good friend that I met at one of the first shows our band played. I really connected with him and he began to open up to me that he struggled with understanding God. Over the course of the last year I've seen him grow in his faith, and have had the chance to have some very deep and meaningful conversations with him. I cannot wait to see that story replicated over and over again as I move into my future. </div>
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As I've said before, I understand that some people who read the stuff on this site believe in God, and some do not. And, as always, I welcome you all here. I really feel like someone who reads these words needs to hear them in a special way today. Maybe some of you need to share this message with a friend who needs it. Whatever the case, know that these words are for you and that I care for each of you.</div>
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So is it worth it? Is it worth experiencing the pain in order to have the opportunity to see other people change? For me it is. That is not a conclusion that I came to lightly. It took a long time for me to see that God is not random. He has a plan more intricate and elaborate than we can fathom, and every second of our lives is part of it. Every high and every low will someday make sense and will someday be useful in sharing our stories. Don't lose faith at the sight of pain. I can be excited now that my pain is being transformed into something beautiful. It's the shadows that prove that sunshine exists, after all. On occasion, we have to see the negative elements that accompany a lack of God to realize how good it is when he is close. Sometimes we need to be content with not understanding, and be excited for the stories we will one day be able to tell.</div>
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(Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day. Follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand</a>.)</div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-25760164793212823852011-11-23T18:30:00.001-06:002011-11-23T18:45:54.916-06:00God<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who is God? That
statement insures that this blog is going to be interesting. It is probably one
of the most questioned ideas in all of time. I'm not going to debate whether I
think God is a literal person, an idea, a nirvana-esque achievement, in inner strength,
or any other concept. I'm open about the fact that I am a Christian and believe He is a creator. So instead I want to take a look at the nature of who God is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This topic has been a
huge stumbling block for me in my own journey. Growing up in church and in my
family, I often heard God described in different ways. In my mind, God was
angry, loving, vindictive, jealous, happy, providing, protective, passive, involved,
detached, omnipresent, all-knowing, and judgmental all at the same time. These
characteristics seemed starkly contrastive, and nearly contradictory to me. I could
not manage to wrap my head around just who exactly God was. How could a God be
angry and also be the source of true joy? How could God kill people but be the
ultimate example of love? The picture of God that I had in my head was something like a montage of magazine clippings glued together and grossly ill-fitting.
That sounds horrible, but it was true. I had no cohesive image of God in my
head, and it lead to me to a lot of doubts and struggles as I grew up. God
seemed to be a collection of different people, each with their own
personalities and nuances, all casting themselves under the title of God.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think this is a
point of confusion for a lot of people. Creating a summation of God is a leviathan task, and one that cannot be adequately done with a mere collection
of adjectives. Imagine trying to sum up your best friend with a few words. I
have a great friend named Wes. He's funny, deep-thinking, a talented
musician, and very kind-hearted. There, now you know him too. In that context,
we see how impossible it is to glean everything about someone in a few words.
You know hardly anything about my friend. His upbringing, likes, dislikes, appearance, friends, behavior, even his last name are foreign to you. God is
the same way. We can share his qualities with each other, but you cannot
pretend to know him only by memorizing his traits. All of those qualities that
I mentioned earlier can be attributed to God. He displays them throughout different
parts of the Bible. I think one of the most important steps to understanding
God is to cast off any pre-conceived notions of who you think God is before you
really try to get to know him. In the same way that we can construct false
ideas about people before we meet them, we can get a faulty picture of God if
we just learn about him through other people's words. This is where I failed. I
was afraid to get to know God because he sounded intimidating and scary. I
didn't want to know a God who was angry and wrathful. It didn't sound like a
savior I needed to know. It took me a long time to learn that God uses those
traits for good. He protects his people from enemies. God sees and knows
more than we ever can. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Think of it this way;
an infant has the ability to process only basic, primitive thoughts. It knows how
to cry to signal to parents that it is hungry, tired, in need of a diaper
change, or just downright needs some attention. (do I ever want kids...hmmm)
Now those parents, on the other hand, have fully-functional thought processes.
They might be thinking about advanced calculus (who doesn't love derivation?) or
how to make a bird-feeder for the back yard, or an important collection of
documents they need for work; there's an infinite number of things that grown
adults could be thinking about. In the same way, God is constantly processing
things that we cannot even fathom. We are infants concerned with very primitive
thoughts and needs, and God is contemplating things far beyond our grasp. Imagine a parent
trying to teach a 3 month-old child how to properly wire the electricity for a
large building or how to recognize the difference between a complex and compound sentence. There are very few things that have probabilities of absolutely zero, but I am fairly confident that is one of them. There is no way that a
small baby can even understand those words. They go in one ear and out the
other. And your poor kid is still ready to eat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So even if God is
operating on a thought level beyond our own, how can we justify his seemingly
contradictory actions? Here's how I think about it: we have no place to try and
understand God. His protection is not like our protection. His anger is not
like our anger. His judgment is not like our judgement. His joy is not like our
joy. I don't meant to imply that we should not approach God or try to learn
about him. Those are great things, but at the end of the day, we cannot grasp
God in his entirety. Trying to arbitrarily assign a few of his characteristics
to represent his whole self is futile. God is more than we can ever imagine.
Sometimes I like to think about God like a huge forest. There are an infinite
number of components that encompass a forest. Thousands of species of animals,
millions of insects, more plants and trees than can be counted, soils with
different nutrients, streams, rivers, ponds, lakes, leaves, sticks, mountains,
valleys, birds. The list is exhaustive. There can be no end to the things that
are included, and there can be no end to the list of things that describe God.
So don't be discouraged if God seems far too big to understand, because He is
far too big to understand. But the beauty within that is that he longs to be
close to everyone of us. "But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out,
I gasp and pant." (Isaiah 42:14) This sounds pretty strange offhandedly,
but it comes from a passage in Isaiah where God is describing just how
desperately he longs to be close to each of us. That is a pretty powerful
desire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This might sound opposite to what I said, but I truly do believe that if we ever have to
capture God in a word it would be this: love. We as humans experience love. We
choose to love people. We fall in love with a special person. We love music and
movies and nature. But God IS love. Any picture that we have of love comes
directly from him, and that underlies any characteristic we find of his. His
anger comes from a place of love. He disciplines because he loves. His love is
not like our love though. "Everyone who lives has been born of God and knows
God...because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent
his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is
love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an
atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:7-12) There's no way to ever grasp God in his fullness, but we can accept his love in it's fullness. A
perfect, complete, nonsensical love that makes us who we were meant to be.
Whole. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Thanks for taking
the time to read. Follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand</a>)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-33120271264587368442011-11-15T19:10:00.001-06:002011-11-16T13:30:45.873-06:00More Make-Up Than CharacterJealousy. Fashion. Sex. Popularity. Culture. Beauty. It must be exceedingly hard to be a female these days. I often stop and realize how thankful I am that God made me a little boy and not a little girl. There are so many signals that the media and culture send our ladies that it appears impossible to remain morally intact. Movies push picturesque relationships down their throats, music portrays sex as easy and fun, celebrities seem to be able to get away with the craziest of behaviors, and magazines set unrealistic physical standards as the entry point for a life of success. I've gathered that girls' image of themselves does not always run a parallel course to those titillating sensations of becoming like their favorite famous people. It is an empty pursuit. So men, how can we help our gender counterparts see beyond the realm of the celebrity lifestyle? Let's try to find out.<br />
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One of the most important things to realize is that what we see in the media is not always real. Shocking I know, but it's true nonetheless. We can't all pay thousands of dollars to have personal stylists and curling irons with more technological prowess than space shuttles. (do people even still use curling irons?) There are a plethora of opportunities for the images that we see to be altered before they meet our eyes. Consumerism thrives on perfection, and the products we receive never fail to be in tip-top shape. It is crucial to realize that you cannot base your judgement of yourself solely on what you see in the media. Is it wrong to want to look like Jennifer Lopez or Jessica Alba? (Oh how I hope that was relevant.) On the surface, no I don't think it's wrong. It becomes detrimental when foundationally, your judgement rests upon goals that cannot be reached. I don't mean to say that you ladies are less attractive than celebrities. Nothing is farther from the truth. What I mean is that you all are not products. You don't spend $1000 on jeans. You don't go to night clubs and get flocked by paparazzi. You are not celebrities. I think girls that can thrive in a life of moderation are much more attractive and desirable than those who choose to chase clothes that they shouldn't wear and hairstyles that are more ridiculous than they can realize. Maybe I'm simple and/or old-fashioned, but I think at the heart of the matter most guys who are worth catching want to find a girl who is real. And I'm sorry if I offend you, but fancy clothes and dogs in your purse don't make you real.<br />
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Now that I've more than likely hurt some people's feelings, let me try and rectify the situation. I completely understand that most girls want to fit in. We all do. They want to look presentable and garner the attention of that special someone, or maybe just feel good about themselves. With all of the messages we receive in today's culture, I don't blame anyone for falling victim into that trap. It is easy to pay a high price for the things that the world assures you will make you popular and happy, but the years of consequences cut so deep. The fact of the matter is this: sex sells. It always will sell, and we cannot change the fact that the manufacturers of all things American will exploit this trend until the end of the age. It is tricky, though, to decipher all of the confusing signals we receive and pinpoint what we should and should not seek. Jon Foreman said it well in a very, very old Switchfoot song, " Concrete girl, don't fall down in this broken world around you."<br />
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Women of today, stand strong. Don't let the media convince you that you have to buy into the hype and fads in order to be beautiful. I cannot even fathom the pressures that are associated with being a girl, and I understand that the reason the system is in its current state can be partially allotted to selfish men who enjoy using women for their own means. I apologize on behalf of our crudity and lack of tact. We are a primitive bunch, and most of us do not realize how deeply our actions can affect your minds. So badly I wish that you had an easier time determining your worth, but I realize it is hard to establish a cohesive image of yourself without referencing pop culture. The perfect guys with huge muscles, a Gucci handbag (maybe?) and a bottomless shopping budget cannot fulfill you. For one thing, you never see the reverse view of the "glamorous" life. There are struggles that accompany any existence, but also I truly believe that no culmination of material possessions can fill your soul. It's like trying to fill a cardboard box with water; initially all appears to be well, but over time the water will weaken the cardboard's structural integrity and leak out until the box collapses and there is nothing left except the ruins. Fill yourself with worthwhile things.<br />
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One thing I want to stray away from is blaming any one party. I've heard a lot of people spew venomous, negative words towards pop stars or bash them for the way that they negatively influence girls today. I, too, believe their actions to be morally stagnant, but I cannot bring myself to hate them or to bring negative words to them. It boils down to the fact that they are people too with the same feelings and desires as we have. They long for acceptance and a place to fit in; they just do it in front of millions of people. So when our fingers fly towards them in accusation, let us remember that our hateful words are no better than their actions. Do they have a lot to answer for? Perhaps they do, but they need love just as much as you and I.<br />
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I hope that this wasn't a washed up collection of words. A lot of people have opinions on this topic, and I never want to be irrelevant or boring. let me end with this, ladies: chase your dreams. Wear cute pants and do your hair fancy, but never forget that those things can never define who you are. Remember the cardboard box from earlier? Let's pretend that you filled a small cup with water and set it in the box along with your other things. It's the same water, but taken in moderation and contained in a handy plastic cup, the water cannot hurt the box. There's nothing wrong with having nice things and being attractive, but guard your hearts. Be smart and cautious about what you choose to consume. Stand strong in the face of a hurting culture and be the one to enact change. You don't have to be content to slide alongside every other girl who wants to be Katy Perry. (I'm 99 percent sure I nailed that one...) You are beautiful exactly how God made you.<br />
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(Thanks for checking me out. I'm on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand)</a><br />
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Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-49076282535833079592011-11-12T11:39:00.001-06:002011-11-12T11:54:07.626-06:00Change<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why is it that some
people claim to want to change, or to be "good people" and then feel
like that claim doesn't require them to actually make any tangible steps? We
make grand statements, and then live the exact same lives as we did before. If
a baseball coach talks to his players and tells them that he wants to make some
significant changes to his starting lineup, but then sends the same 9 men to
the field as he normally would, we have every right to question the sincerity
of his decisions. He did the opposite of what he said he was going to do. He
stayed the same. Why then is it that we feel justified in making a proclamation
that we want to clean up the dirty areas of our life, and then doing absolutely
nothing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me give you an
example. Jerry is a boy; a great guy, but he has some habits that he is not
fond of. Namely drinking too much alcohol, smoking, and doing drugs. Jerry
makes the decision to turn his life of partying around, and confides in some
friends that he will be making some extensive alterations to his way of living.
That Friday night those friends all see Jerry at a bar, drink in hand, living the very same life that he has always lived. Jerry
has no integrity, and was not serious about his decision. Reading this, it is
obvious that he did not mean what he said, but don't we as Christians do the
same thing? We promise to address our lust, yet we watch R rated movies full of
sex. We are serious about getting close to God, but our bibles are as dusty as
the top shelf of our closet. We trust God with our finances, but most of us
don't even know what tithing is. Why do we treat our commitments with such
nonchalance? Why do Christians talk a great game, but walk into the arena
blindfolded and ill-prepared? Our strategy makes no sense at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not a sports
guy, but allow me one more reference. If a football player desires to be a star
quarterback, he has to work out tirelessly day after day to even get a shot at
trying out for that position. There are countless drills to run, plays to
memorize, exercises to do. But the end result is a well-trained athlete. All
too often, Christians seem to look past all of the work to the end results that
they desire. We long for rounded lives and seasoned faith, but we are not
willing to put in the grunt work that leads to these goals. Does God in Heaven
look down and commend us for our half-hearted efforts? I dare not say he does.
How could he? We promise so many things every day, and then make following him
a tiny part of our routine, if it is included at all. I'm not trying to be judgmental
because I am included in this group. I would love to be a strong, devout
Christian, but I often feel like I fall short. The steps necessary to making a
real change seem daunting, and I can often convince myself to postpone
starting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How can we change
this? How do you change anything? Work. Therein lies the root of most people's
problems. We love the idea of being different and following God, but we don't
love the practical application that leads to this fulfillment. We're all onboard
with change, until we are forced to actually...well, change. Our boxes of
comfort have become far too large and lavish. We live in a culture that is dependent
on ease and laziness. I apologize for my negative words, but it is amazing to
me how many people thrive on shortcuts. If there is an easy way to do
something, we do it. The patterns that we form in one area of our lives affect
every area of us. If we look for shortcuts at our jobs and in our families, we
will seek shortcuts with God. I hate to burst your bubble, but God doesn't have
shortcuts. He is always available for us to talk to, and constantly closer than
we can fathom, but he does not approve of taking the easy way out. Change is
the byproduct of pain. Change is rarely if ever simple. Sometimes it is forced
upon us; sometimes we have to enact it, but it will always come with adjustment
and some degree of discomfort. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realize that not everyone who reads these words believes in God like I do. And I also realize that, for some of you, part of the reason you don't believe falls to the fact that you see Christians acting in the way that I have described. For myself and for all of us, I apologize. Deeply and sincerely. We have amazing opportunities to let our lives be instruments to share God's love, but we are more concerned with other things. It is a confusing conundrum, and I don't blame any of you for being misled. That being said, I want to encourage you that there are genuine Christians out there. I am trying to be one myself. Don't give up faith.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe this sounds
like a sermon to you. That is not my intention. I want only to help us see how
foolish we look at times. I imagine God saying, "It's so simple. Just
trust me and do things differently." We were not called to be like the
world. We were called to invade the world with our transformed lives. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing, and perfect will." (Romans 12:2) No part
of that involves blending in. The longer we try to assimilate, the harder it is
to come back to the life we know we should live. If you send an ant into a
large group of ants and expect it to be able to garner the attention of the
entire crowd and enact a change, you are only leading yourself on. For one
thing, ants can't talk. I hope you already knew that. But on a serious note,
the ones in this world who can effectively change things are those who do not
fit in and appear to be just like everyone else. Jesus certainly didn't fit in.
Neither do I don't want to fit in. I realize that I do settle for fitting in a
lot of the time, and I am working to change that. One day at a time. Join me if
you'd like. I pray that we would all have the strength to be different.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Thanks for reading
today my friends. You can follow me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand</a>)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6790513873207997461.post-69279969202258350102011-11-08T13:01:00.000-06:002011-11-23T22:50:49.969-06:00How Much Am I Worth?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">I had a very interesting
conversation with one of my very good friends recently. We were eating in a
restaurant when he noticed that some girls were staring at us. He, being much
humbler than I, didn't make much of the situation until we were talking afterwards
in my car. He commented on the fact that the girls looking at him had made him
feel bad. I was on the verge of questioning his mental health when he expanded
his thoughts. His reasoning was as follows: he felt that he had wanted their
attention too much. That his need for attention in that manner was unhealthy.
These words took me by complete surprise. My friend is in a very healthy dating
relationship, he is a secure individual, and I look up to him, so the fact that
he admitted to wanting attention from girls was strange to me. I thought a lot
about his words as I went home and even as I considered my next topic for this
blog. All of his views and thoughts boiled down to this for me: there are
things that we all seek to construct our self-worth upon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">What all in this life do
we turn to in order to boost our self-confidence? Our appearance and how others
perceive us, how many friends we have, our number of followers on Twitter; it
comes down to this I think: people create products out of their life, and attempt
to have the most consumers. That sounds incredibly trite and pedantic if taken
off-handedly, but give me a chance to explain myself. As humans, we desire to
have people want us; want our talents, our passions, what we have to offer to
the world. We want people to look at us and wish that they could be more like
us. And more than that, we want others to look at us and accept us. We want to
feel like what we are offering is good enough for people around us. Maybe in appearance
or attitude or drive. To be completely honest, I wish more people read this
blog, and that more people would share it with their friends. I wish that I had the opportunity to share these words with more hungry
eyes, and that people desired to be more like me. At the heart of that argument
is purity and truth. Wanting to share what is most important and sacred to us
is very noble, but when we begin to gauge our opinion of ourselves based on how
well people respond to that sharing, we flirt with disaster. Let's say that this
blog tanks after a few weeks. People become disinterested in what I have to
say, and absolutely no one reads it. Does that mean that my self-worth should
parallel the success of the blog? If I walk into a store and a very attractive
girl catches my eyes and immediately turns away in disgust, should my view of
myself plummet accordingly? I don't
think it should. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">As I dug into my own life
and image that I carry of myself, I came to some startling realizations. I lean
far too heavily on material and interpersonal interaction to be the foundation
for my self-worth. Those girls looking at us in the restaurant didn't make me
feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, they made me feel good. I felt better about
myself because some random girls apparently found that my friend and I were
worth glancing at. Deep down I think I expected her to look at us. That was
nothing more than pride, but underlying the pride was a true desire to be
wanted by total strangers. I toe a very thin, dangerous line when the status of
my self-esteem is dependent on factors over which I have very little control. I
can dress nice or fix my hair in a cool, trendy way, but at the end of the day,
I cannot make anyone like me any more. I can't make more people read this blog.
I can't make myself any more attractive. All I can do is promote those products
tirelessly. Some days I might win the battle, but is it worth the days that I
come up short? Is it worth feeling like a failure until someone else comes
along and give me a brief moment of recognition? That question has been
throwing hammers at the walls of my mind ever since the conversation with my
friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">In essence, placing your
worth in things that you cannot control is letting someone else control your
life. This is an area that I struggle with to be honest. At times, we all fall
victim to selling the products of our life more than we should. If only we
could step back and see that we are worth so much more than how we look and how
many friends we have. Those things do not define us in the least. We were
breathed into creation by a God who handcrafted a plan for each of us. Whether
you believe in God or not, I think you are special. Whether you can look deep
within yourself and see innate beauty or not does not change the fact that it is
there. I hurt for people who define themselves based on how others view them.
Largely because it has been such an obstacle in my own life, but also because I
can see those people who are already great but refuse to acknowledge it
themselves. Maybe this is nothing more than a ranty, low self-esteem pity party
blog to you. I don't totally disagree, but for anyone who connects with longing
for someone else's approval to fuel your approval of yourself, hear this: you are worth
infinitely more than anything that we can define in human terms. You are worth
the life of God's son. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one
and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal
life." (John 3:16) That is perhaps the most known bible verse of all time,
and maybe rightfully so. The gravity of that statement keeps me awake at night
even still. Each one of us is worth so much that God let his perfect, flawless
son be beaten and killed so that one day we will have the opportunity to spend
all of eternity in his presence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">My friend had it right
that day. The number of followers we have on Twitter is insignificant. Girls
looking at me will have no real impact on my life. Our worth and hope comes
from a source that cannot adequately be described. This is a battle we fight
every day, and I pray you have the strength to see yourself as God sees you:
beautiful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">(Note: I deeply appreciate
you all checking out my blog. I do not derive my worth from this, but you can
find me on Twitter at @<a href="http://twitter.com/matthewormand">matthewormand </a>#hypocrite.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>Matthew Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06477218204209746285noreply@blogger.com0